Wednesday, March 23, 2005

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

After hours upon hours of staring at computer screens I am beginning to wonder: Shouldn't I be feeling just a teensy bit angsty over all this? Should I blithely continue to work for "The Man", whoever he is, or become embittered and horribly poor while pursuing the job of my dreams?

I've toyed with the idea of becoming a professionally starving artist, but I don't fill the chainsmoking and strange hair requirements; not only that, but have you ever tried locating an unheated garret? They're just not available these days. Plus, starving artists have to pick out some sort of vaguely fashionable persona. I can't decide between being a drugged-out- neo-pacifist- flaky-vegan starving artist or a pseudo-intellectual -nouveau-feminist- postmodern starving artist.

Now that "starving artist" has been discarded, just what sort of dream job should I choose? No one seems to pay very much for just sitting around eating berries and watching kung fu movies all day...

1. Exotic Balinese Dancer

Pros: This career path scores very high on the glam-o-meter, and I am definitely skinny enough to easily slither around a stage in adorable outfits.
Cons: I am not actually Balinese.

2. Magician's Assistant

Pros: This type of career would enable me to travel and meet a large variety of people while standing around and looking decorative.
Cons: I lose my head easily in stressful situations.

3. Carnival Ride Operator

Pros: While the monetary compensation is minimal, I would get all the funnel cakes and fried twinkies I could eat.
Cons: I have no tattoos.

4. Recreational Therapist for Psychiatric Hospital
Pros: I would feel personally fulfilled while dancing and playing games with patients to sharpen their cognitive and motor skills.
Cons: My own motor skills are actually not very good (**I flunked hopping on one foot in kindergarten), and I might be confused for one of the patients.

5. Pet Photographer

Pros: This career would enable me to develop my creativity and interpersonal skills while dressing small animals in charming little outfits.
Cons: I am deathly allergic.



** This actually happened; it was my very first 'F'

21 Comments:

Blogger theomorph said...

I know the feeling, perhaps too well. My dream job is Ian McEwan's.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

L - You can have my crummy job if you want it. That would probably make you appreciate what you have...

3:34 AM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

You should try being a grant writer...woo hoo, that's a real babe magnent.

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a "Normie" dog!

Deb

7:22 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

Well, you never were one to get in a rut, but I thought your current job allowed you a certain degree of funkiness... after all, IT people are not usually the normal, boring, bureaucratic-cubical-bum-at-a-monitor type. Sometimes they play Scrabble, read cool books, and carry on witty conversations.

Maybe writing a few wacky children's books on the side will do for now.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

L. - don't you think you should have cleared yourself of that kindergarten "trauma" by now? It could be what's holding you back from that ideal dream job!

12:02 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Hopping on one foot was a kindergarten course? I can't decide if that's easier or tougher than using scissors.
I think it's a crime you're not paid for watching kungfu flicks!!

10:14 AM  
Blogger Morgan said...

Great dancing lunatics here! Found you blog while searching Google for good pictures.

Funny stuff.

10:50 AM  
Blogger L said...

glomgold: yes, it was graded, believe it or not!

morgan: thank you :)

8:44 PM  
Anonymous Happy and Blue said...

Personally I'd go for welfare bum. It has good benefits and requires no skills. In fact the less skills you have or can at least fake not having the better..

8:44 PM  
Anonymous woody said...

Backtracked to here from your comment on my blog. Thanks for stopping by there and commenting. My ideal career would be as a village sage, and if there's an opening for editor of the local newspaper again I'll try for it.

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

The sad thing is, I just went to PetSmart and a pet photographer was busily clicking away. No doubt making a ton of money.

8:46 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

I always wanted to be a writer but like you, am missing some of the key elements such as bad teeth, nicotine stained fingers, squinty eyes, ability to spell multi-syllabic words, and a 1949 model Underwood.

I'm thinking you are probably over qualified in all of your alternative dream job categories and think you should pursue the starving artist route. Not only will you stay skinny because the lack of funds = lack of food, you also can develop your own style... maybe bringing in a fresh wave of glamorous ugly art, like you've shown us on your blog. I have confidence you can pull it off!

8:46 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

I'd go for #4 - I've never been called graceful. Clumsy, klutz, yes - but who'd care or notice?

8:46 PM  
Anonymous cesca said...

Oh to find the ideal job!

My husband is always at me to just "drop out" of the rat race, and live on a beach in Goa (as his friend has done).

Hmmm... maybe one day.

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

I'm a little concerned about the pic for the magician's assistant. It's not really magic if the head comes off, is it? Or is it magic when he sews it back on using nothing but a swiss army knife and some fishing line? I'd pay to see THAT.

Fess up, #3 is really a pic of you, isn't it?

8:47 PM  
Blogger L said...

hmmm.... maybe I SHOULD become a gracefully starving artist.

frally: #3 isn't a pic of me!!! I am OBVIOUSLY the lovely woman in #1

8:47 PM  
Anonymous llcoffee said...

You could practice your art on your own body and therefore be fully qualified for carnival ride lady.

Pros: You could paint new artwork every week if you get bored of looking at the old stuff plus you'd have twinkies galore to eat.

Cons: You'd have twinkies galore to eat and the dating pool would consist of a 10 ton giant, a dwarf with a red nose or the bearded lady.

8:48 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

I didn't think you were planning on growing up!

8:49 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

This is hilarious, and clearly you've given it a lot of careful thought. I must say, I believe there has to be a major shortage of Balinese dancers in Florida, and I think you could get away with not being Indonesian for the sake of saving a dying art.

...Just a thought....

8:49 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Anigans said...

that's a rather harsh grading curve.

8:50 PM  

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