Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I Dislike Long Hallways And Being Damp

I really have nothing interesting to say.

The weather is spitting a nasty sort of chilled rain at us to-day; it shows no sign of quitting, so the cockroaches and alligators have been lining up two by two, and my deranged neighbor has been shaking his fist balefully at the sky. However, I was a rock and courageously sloshed my way into work this morning, exchanging polite sneezes and coughs with my fellow nerds and dragging my pathetically broken umbrella behind me.

Luckily, I was not carried off in the torrential floodwaters; however I am still damp, which is very unpleasant and could lead to a rather deadly case of pneumonia. And languishing consumptively on a divan sounds rather tiresome, no matter how palely tragic and delicately interesting it would make me look...

Another problem with this sort of weather is that it encourages people to loiter irresponsibly inside buildings during lunchtime. So whenever I start walking down a long hallway, someone else is always walking through from the other end-- which is generally rather awkward and fraught with difficulty.

How do you know how soon to smile at the other person in this sort of situation? I've discovered that smiling too soon makes you look quite idiotic, as it could be some time before getting close enough to say hello to the other person; and then your cheek muscles ache. Plus, the other person could think that you're socially inept, which I am, or that you are flirting excessively, which I sometimes am as well.

On the other hand, you just can't keep walking and staring at someone without smiling; and it's tricky to just sort of generally look around at the scenery and pretend that you don't see the other person until the very last minute. You really have to time it just right.

I could carry a book around with me and start reading whenever I walk around the building, but then I will collide with walls and things. Or perhaps I could just wear dark sunglasses and pretend that I'm blind; but where do blind people find those white canes? It's not like I can just run out and find a guide dog...

My life is FULL of these horrible problems.


How cool is this !? I really need one of my very own!


Blogger Ian said...

Next time you find yourself in a long hallway on a rainy day, pretend you have Tourette's syndrome as another person approaches. Just twist your neck and contort your face in a tic-like motion, blurting out disturbing noises. Use your imagination in this regard -- barking like a dog or shouting obscenities would seem to work well. (The shouting of obscenity is known in medical circles as "coprolalia," by the way -- Latin speak for poop-yelling).

Anyhow, it's just a suggestion. Otherwise you could make a mecha-L and proceed down the hallway, as I'm sure all others will willingly step aside and make room for your passage.

12:04 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

I understand the dillemma. I have been known to make a game of it. How many people who are grumpy can I make smile by smiling and saying "hello". How many people will say "hello" if I look really bitchy. It's a game.

Other than that, I'd say Ian's suggeston works.

12:09 AM  
Blogger theomorph said...

I manage to avoid your problem by apparently looking so terrifying that people tend to just look away as I approach. Handy, though unnerving.

12:59 AM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

I pretend I'm Dr. Richard Kimble (The Fugitive). I look down, I look away, I avert my eyes, avoid their gaze. I'm an innocent man, but I know my freedom is at stake, and any one of these people might spot me and blow the whistle!! Then when I get close enough I look up and (be they male or female) give them a huge "let's get it on right now" leer.
After a while, most hallways are completely clear for me.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Yay, Blogger Comments are working again. I have nothing further to add -- just wanted to use it while I can. (For those who haven't been trying to comment, the system has been down most of the day.)

10:34 PM  
Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

Larry! I've been trying to comment for two days now - blogger must be over the bug... now if only I could remember what I wanted to say!

I found an effective way to be left alone. If you stare into space & drool, folks usually steer clear. I used this often on the subway after the bars closed.

I want a mecha installed on all my vehicles. It would be great for moving slow moving vehicles and bovines.

2:46 AM  
Blogger Nyx said...

Wenever I am posed by long hallways full of skulking poeple loitering away from the wet then I simply don my invisibilty cape and trip them all up. Occassionally I'll post amusing little notes on their backs too, with strange instructions involving a body part and a bottle of wine.

Or I avoid eye contact and cough a lot.

6:38 AM  

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