Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Meetings Are The Opiate Of The Masses

Maybe if I start dressing like this I won't have to attend meetings anymore.

I've attended various status meetings, agenda meetings on previous status meetings, hurried lunch meetings about agenda meetings and status meetings regarding status meetings. Sometimes, when I'm bored I attend a meeting.

The first rule of thumb for holding a successful meeting is, of course, to avoid being the person who actually organizes it in the first place.

*** Additional guidelines ***

1. Make certain that the meeting is correctly entered into your calendar so that you can plan ahead and take the day off.

2. If you are unable to take the day off, call in sick.

3. If you are unable to call in sick, pay a coworker to phone or page you at the beginning of the meeting; look very worried, rush out the door and never come back.

4. If you cannot leave the meeting, plan ahead in case you fall asleep. You can pin to your shirt a doctor's note stating that you suffer from a rare form of narcolepsy. If you find that option to be too brazen, try painting a couple of staring eyes on the lens of your glasses so no one notices when you do nod off.

5. If all else fails, there are certain steps you can take to ensure that you are never invited to a meeting again:
* Loudly interrupt the organizer to say that you have now taken over the meeting and that the new agenda is to discuss the benefits of cheese.

* Begin an impromptu game of musical chairs and make certain that you are the one left without a chair.

* At the beginning of the meeting, collect everyone's agendas and shred them slowly into little bits. Shower everyone with confetti while singing "I Gotta Be Me!"

* Bring with you a pen that has run out of ink. Try to use it while growing progressively more agitated until bursting into tears and running out of the room.

* Start hyperventilating when anyone asks you a question and pretend to have a heart attack

*** Today's Pearl of Wisdom ***

"Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate"
-- Dave Barry


Blogger Larry Jones said...

I always wish we would have an occasional meeting at my office just so that some of us could find out what the fuck is going on. But then when we have one, it turns out that no one knows, so it's a mind-numbing waste of time that keeps me from getting anything done.
Oh, that's what you said, isn't it?

12:08 AM  
Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

The meetings I attend these days are a lot different from the ones I used to. There are more cows now.

4:16 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

I don't like meetings so I always use the "having someone call me so I can leave" technique.
This also works well in day to day life on dates, at weddings, funerals. Well not so much at funerals..

7:45 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

I hated meetings. I would fidget like crazy. I swear I have ADD.

Gotta love Dave Barry

11:18 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

#4. Hey that's what Curly used to do in Three Stooges. He'd paint eyeballs on his closed eyelids (though I suspect someone else actually did the painting cuz that'd be kinda tough otherwise).
The way businesspeople act so self-important you'd think they had something more pressing to do than schedule meetings all week.

3:03 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

You know how I feel about meetings. Pretty sure they are a communist conspiracy to undermine the core of productivity in our democracy... or it could be they are just another way some folks justify their jobs. Sigh. Got to go to a meeting now.

8:06 AM  

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