Thursday, March 03, 2005

I Am A Very Sick Person

Having begun the day with the following symptoms, I decided to run a little online self-diagnosis after leaving work early; the doctor cannot see me until Friday morning.
1. severely sore throat and trouble swallowing
2. moderate neck pain with stiffness as well as upper back pain
3. headaches and fever
4. huge quantities of snot and sneezing every five minutes
5. eyeballs that feel as if they are shooting flames
6. general crankiness

The first site I tried diagnosed me as having one or all of the following:
ovarian torsion
ectopic pregnancy
It advised me quite strongly: "You should see your doctor immediately"

I was a bit bemused since pregnancy is, quite frankly, physically impossible as I have been single for quite some time. However if I am informed otherwise, someone will need to alert the Vatican, because it will mean that I am bearing the AntiChrist, and the Apocalypse is coming. Which means, of course, that you should all start stockpiling toilet paper and canned goods immediately. In these circumstances, one could use the following handy letter. (thanks to Dayna for the link)

The second site I tried listed all of the following as being possible causes of my distress:
salivary gland tumor
ramula cyst
pulmonary emboli
streptococcal phayrngitis
peritonsillar abscess
viral phayrngitis

I'd advise everyone to not try this at home, or you may find yourself with a terrible case of Ebola or flesh-eating bacteria....

Coming Soon to Random_Speak: Bimbo Economics!

I'm going back to bed now.


Blogger the frog princess said...

aww, get well soon L! It's been going around -- I think that was what was wrong with me when I thought I had food poisoning, and my bowling buddies were deathly ill last week.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

Hope you feel better! Hope your whole week gets better, actually.

11:35 AM  
Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

Oh No!

I've had an ectopic pregnancy, appendicitis, pulmonary embolism, tonsilitis and sinusitis - but never had any of your symptoms.

I'm okay now, just not in the head.

Hope that you're feeling human soon!

1:50 PM  
Blogger Nyx said...

My diagnosis is bed rest, movies, tissues, and books. Take one dose three times a day for the next five days. ;)

3:31 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

Hmmm... sounds like the flu or some sort of virus... maybe Kayakitis, or pneumokayaka, or perhaps inpaddlenza.
I am down myself to day with a sore throat and cough... the snot in my sinuses has decided to move south and invade the territory of my lungs. Cathy thinks I'm just down for a snooze.

Hope we both feel better soon! Call me if you need to go to the emergency room!

3:37 PM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

You are some kind of brave trooper, looking up that stuff and posting for our amusement when you are feeling down. And hey - your list of symptoms sounds a little like the mandatory "side effects" disclaimers on TV commercials for prescription drugs. Hope you have a low occurrence of them, sweetheart.
And when you do get to see the doctor, demand morphine.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Ian said...

I find it curious that the first site you referenced diagnosed you with ovarian torsion and/or ectopic pregnancy and/or appendicitis, as lower abdominal pain is really the sine qua non of all three -- yet is notably absent from your list of symptoms. It's good to know that doctors need not fear replacement by computers anytime soon.

Meanwhile, I hope you feel better soon! I'll expectorate some sympathy phlegm for you (I am similarly afflicted at present).

2:41 AM  
Blogger Frally said...

Get better soon, chook. I always look up my aches and pains on the internet and come up with things like cancer and heart attack, and then I go to the doctor and they tell me I have a head cold. Bloody quacks.

3:03 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

AntiChrist? That'd work for you being an honorary Horseman (Horseperson?) of the Apocalypse and all. I don't know if it's just my doctor, but if I told him I either have the flu or am carrying satan's spawn in my loins, he would just kind of grunt and write me a prescription for muscle relaxants.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Ms Vile File said...

I don't believe a word any doctor says. I believe heartily in the medicating powers of alcohol and chocolate.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Hope you feel MUCH better soon. ( I laughed at your statement that "pregnancy is physically impossible because your single". Uh, I don't think that one always flies as "impossible!" Realize I have 2 teen daughters so... Rest up & hope your family brings soup or choco, whatever helps.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Jim Bliss said...

I hope you feel better soon. Being ill is an arse. No two ways about it.

I do have to worry about any diagnostic procedure that can't decide whether you've got cancer of the saliva glands or a pulminary embolism. You might be better off dialing 1-800-PSYKIK-DOC. I believe they give a free subscription to PharmCorp World Magazine to every fifth caller.

Over here in the UK the news media have been trying to scare us all senseless with sporadic news stories about Avian Flu which is going to kill quarter of the population and obliterate the health system and steal the life-savings of old people and give your job to an immigrant and other terrible things.

Fingers crossed it's not that then, eh?

And look on the bright side, I bet being Mother of The Beast has a lot of perks.

Again though; I hope you feel better soon.

9:27 PM  
Blogger L said...

ohmygawd maybe it is the avian flu! but really, I'm too tired to sound an alarm.

thanks for the get well messages... going back to bed...

1:22 PM  
Blogger cesca said...

It better not be bird flu! Oh hang on... we can't catch that through the computer screen, can we?

I found what I thought was a huge cancerous lump on my leg last week, but was too scared to see the doctor. Finally a friend took a look at it and diagnosed an ingrown hair. Sigh...

4:43 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home