Monday, March 07, 2005

You Just Can't Have Too Many Ninjas...

Almost my entire weekend consisted of watching movies and producing large quantities of snot; if I could figure out a way to successfully market the stuff, I could make a fortune. However, I now feel like a complete sissy after hearing about Claypot's malaria. Yikes!

The movies consisted mainly of schlocky horror classics like Satan's School for Girls (yeah!) and 1970s kung fu flicks like Master of the Flying Guillotine, which strongly advises me to purchase together with the Five Fingers of Death.

Master of the Flying Guillotine (a.ka. One Armed Boxer vs. The Flying Guillotine) is really a wonderful movie; everyone in it has such luxurious hair, bizarre weapons of destruction, secret animal fighting techniques and names like Braised Hair Cheung Shung Vee or Monkey Boxer Ma Wa Kung. It's one of those revenge- gain- honor- for- the- temple flicks, only they add a few explosions here and there. It's a beautiful work of art, and I love it so much I want to marry it. We could make such beautiful children together...

After watching it for the second time, I've come to realize just how many other films could be improved by adding a few kung fu fight scenes, or better yet-- ninjas! Because you just can't have too many ninjas....

*** REALLY Annoying Movies That Could Use a Few Ninjas ***

1. An Affair To Remember: this sappy love classic is perfect for those who want to commit suicide by drowning in a drippy, soupy mass of treacle. However, if they added a few knife-wielding ninjas to the tearful- wheelchair- true- love- reunion scene, I promise I'll watch it again...

2. Fair Game: In this pile of suspense-thriller garbage, Cindy Crawford's acting is the worst I've ever seen; she maintains the same expression on her face at all times, whether she is awkwardly running from an explosion in tiny clothes or woodenly slobbering over her co-star. Her mole is more talented at emoting than she is. But think of how much better it would be if Cindy were killed off early on by ninjas! The rest of the movie would be full of ninjas dodging bullets, screaming like little girls, running from explosions and trying to make out with William Baldwin.... I'd watch that in a heartbeat.

3. Glitter: Mariah Carey's ego film trip to hell... need I explain this one? If only they'd replaced Mariah with a fashionably clad singing ninja, the movie would have been SO much better. You could show the ninja getting into all sorts of exciting fights in a mad rush from rags to riches in New York City, fast-tracking to the pinnacle of glitzy stardom and spangly hot pants. But as the fists fly and blades swing, will the ninja remember the "little people" left behind back in the 'hood? That might be worth a couple of dollars.

4. House of the Dead: hands down the worst movie EVER made, House of the Dead is, um, based on the video game of the same name. If you just took a few ninjas and.... no, I take that back. Not even ninjas can save this one.

I'd better quit now. I'm still horribly cranky.


Blogger Larry Jones said...

Boy you are cranky! I'm glad I saw this side of you before I asked for your hand in marriage.
Oh, and you can forget about marketing snot. I tried that last December. Nobody wants it.

11:05 PM  
Blogger L said...


not only am I rejected, but so's my snot... wallowing in UTTER despair ;)

11:09 PM  
Blogger Frally said...

L, firstly, good to have you back.

If it makes you feel any better, I'll take your snot off your hands...or off your nose as the case may be.
I figured with all the poo I've got going on here, a bit of snot might go smashingly with it. I'm working on finding someone to supply vomit and then I'll have all my bases covered.

3:53 AM  
Blogger P.J.Backman said...

There should be an on-demand General Casting agency for Pirates, Ninjas and Killer Robots.

They could be deployed by the studios to infiltrate any film that isn't nearly ninjatastic enough as they're shooting it.

This idea is so fabulous, I may have to delete this comment so no one steals it.

7:54 AM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

I always thought Gone With the Wind would have been much better with ninjas...especially if they would have beheaded Scarlett during mid whine.

Glad to have you back L!

4:31 PM  
Blogger Mr Anigans said...

ah yes...flying good.

also....if you're in the mood for feeling guilty about laughing, you should see Crippled Masters. what horribly bad teeth.

"pesky ninjas"

7:10 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Master of the Flying Guillotine!!! YeahHH!! Before that finally came out on DVD, I got suckered into buying some other 'flying guillotine' knock offs that blew. I even went scouring in back-alley NY kungfu videostores to look for a bootleg but because of that ordinance they had, the kungfu was only a front for actual dirty dirty porn shops.

11:47 AM  

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