Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I Am Nearly Crushed By A Large Hummer

Today I was nearly crushed into teensy little bits by a large red species of Hummer.
As much as I would have loved having yet another subatomic particle named in my honor, I was quite relieved to have escaped unscathed. Others were not so fortunate.

Slightly more fuel-efficient than tanks, but a bit less attractive than Naked Mole Rats, Hummers tend to congregate in my area of Tampa-- menacing the local constabulary and terrorizing the local population. At least I think the local population is terrorized; it's becoming rather tricky to differentiate between the paralyzing effects of Fear and Botox.

However, I was unprepared for today's episode...

I was innocently paused at a light next to the local Starbuck's, when a Hummer swerved rather carelessly into MY lane and attempted to squish me in a terribly unpleasant manner. Luckily, my car and I managed to climb a tree just in the nick of time. We perched precariously among the branches and watched in horror as other vehicle went insane and mowed down everything else on its way to a double decaf mocha latte and a copy of the Wall Street Journal.

Tires, small terriers, street signs, groceries and shopping carts flew everywhere, as if before some violent force of Nature. Walkers and baby carriages were strewn about like so many toys as scores of joggers and soccer moms fled screaming for their lives with destruction plowing straight for them. Almost nothing could be heard but the horrifying grating of metal and the tinkle of broken glass.

When the Hummer finally ended its violent rampage, all that broke the newly hushed stillness was the distant sound of a toddler crying. Piles of smoking rubble dotted the once-beautiful landscape, and the sense of devastation was enormous.

As a discarded paper fluttered by and distant sirens began to wail, the driver's side door creaked open.

Out stepped a hugely muscled man with a Penis so Enormous that it required a small wheelbarrow and two eunuch footmen for support. His arms trailed behind, gorilla-like, as The Penis strode about in a very manly way. It was so Large, that his face was completely obscured and his movements were extraordinarily hampered. Attempts to fit through the coffeeshop door failed miserably and repeatedly, although The Penis succeeded in knocking over a small bicycle, a cafe table and two large newspaper racks.

He continued to stumble blindly about until the arrival of law enforcement, who barely managed to subdue him with a tranquilizer dart, four tasers and a case of Budweiser.

As he was driven away in a rather large van, reporters swarmed the area-- foaming at the mouth to interview the shell-shocked survivors and photograph the chaotic destruction in time for the 6 o'clock news. The devastation was so complete that it will take weary locals a very long time to rebuild their lives. No one can imagine the scene of utter despair...

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Naked Mole Rat Cam at the National Zoo!

9 Comments:

Blogger Rhodent said...

Well, I am certainly relieved that you survived! Do you still wear that bullseye when you go out?

Personally, I think Hummers should be banned and everyone who owns one should be made to donate a large sum of money to some needy charity. What a waste of money!

I continue to insist that mice are quite cute and rats are creepy... Mole Rats included... even if they aren't really rats!

1:06 AM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Thank God you're alright! The trauma must have been tremendous. What else could explain that you wrote the same post twice?
And you say you were in no way attracted to the Hummer guy?

2:50 AM  
Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

Wow! What could I possibly add to that story?

6:18 AM  
Blogger Kay said...

Sheesh. They really need to do something to contain those Enormous walking Penises. I think we should pool our resources and start a zoo for them. Maybe even a petting zoo for the friendlier ones.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Ahhhh (oops closes my mouth VERY quickly before any traveling penises decide to *park*)...

You have an outrageously delightful (and naughty) sense of humor! On my blog "hunts", I haven't found a jock strap large enough to contain "hummers." -

OMG, Kayten: a petting zoo- LMAO!

2:37 PM  
Blogger Frally said...

I was hoping the story would end with you getting "The Penis"s number. you know, for follow up research purposes...
Inquiring minds need to know.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

So sorry for your trauma. Glad you lived through it!

Thats strange that he had a huge penis. I've found many who drive a Hummer are trying to make up for such shortcomings. Maybe he borrowed the thing.

LOVE your blog, BTW. I added you to my links! :)

6:09 PM  
Blogger L said...

yes Larry, I was Amazingly Traumatized...

I was really describing a physical manifestation of his MENTAL state-- so no attraction I have to say. Plus Giant Dickheads are quite common where I live.

sorry to disappoint you Frally-- no number. I suppose I didn't get out of the tree in time.

Kayten: the petting zoo may not be a bad idea

10:16 PM  
Blogger tulsi said...

The Hummer H1 is basically a HMMWV built for civilian use; it has no armor or weapons fittings. However the powertrain, chassis, body, suspension, etc., are the same. It is his luck he survived.
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12:13 AM  

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