Monday, January 03, 2005

I Visit My Appendixless Friend... Also a Few Notes About Farting.

I went to visit my newly appendixless friend again; she is trapped in the hospital, far away from fashionable clothing and a decent latte. They won't let her leave until she has another bowel movement, or at least farts a bit. For some reason, hospital personnel are absolutely OBSESSED with bowel movements and flatulence. Nurses and doctors rotate in and out of her room, anxiously whispering queries on the state of her plumbing.

Goateed Keith, CrazySkateboardFilm Josh and I sat there for at least an hour; WE could have told them that there would be no flatulence. Ladies NEVER fart. We just let it build up until we explode. However, we did discuss fitting her with some sort of valve or something... quiet, discreet, and eminently ladylike.

***A Few Educational Notes About Farting***

Literary figures who have written about the subject of flatulence:
1. Swift
2. Aristophenes
3. Chaucer
4. Rabelais
5. Franklin
6. Twain
7. Swinburne
8. Erasmus
9. Johnson

An educational entry from Samual Johnson's famous Dictionary Of The English Language:
"Fart: wind from behind
Love is the fart
Of every heart;
It pains a man when 'tis kept close;
And others doth offend, when 'tis let loose.

To fart: To break wind from behind.
As when we a gun discharge,
Although the bore be ne'er so large,
Before the flame from muzzle burst,
Just at the breech it flashes first;
So from my lord his passion broke,
He farted first, and then he spoke" -- Swift

The famous Joseph Pujol ("Le Petomane", or "The Manic Farter") performed throughout Paris in the late 1800s, becoming a huge success with his flatulence act. He could imitate a variety of sounds (thunder, cannons, little girls), smoke a cigarette from his anus and lead the audience in a "sing-along".

Brad Pitt's fart may be purchased exclusively on Ebay

Fun Fart Facts

Books on Farting

More Fart Poetry

December 30
"At 1:30 in the morning a fart
smells like a marriage between
an avocado and a fish head.

I have to get out of bed
to write this down without
my glasses on." -- Richard Brautigan

"There once was a lady named Cager,
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F-major" -- Anonymous


Blogger Kay said...

I am now convinced:

You are too educated for my own good.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, that is what everone always says when I discuss farting. To discuss flatulence intelligently is the hallmark of a Florida education :)

11:32 PM  
Blogger theomorph said...

Quite nice. Despite all the righteous pretension on my ("insightful, well-written and intelligent") blog (yes, it was a most appreciated endorsement!), I am also a fan of Aristophanes, whose tradition of comic vulgarity and biting social commentary is carried on in the 21st century by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Yes, theo-"the level of discourse in this country is atrocious"-morph likes South Park. There is time for everything, said Qoheleth.

Incidentally, Patrick "Shakespearean" Stewart (Jean-Luc Picard himself) is a big fan of Beavis and Butthead.

Personally, I think crude humor can't really be fully appreciated until one is highly educated. Only then can you perceive the delightful irony in the fact that only really smart people can manage to be so entertainingly stupid. Real stupid people are just annoying. ;-)

1:07 AM  
Blogger L said...

hmmm.. sounds like I should go back to school and get a Phd or something. Then I could write even MORE about farting and explosions. Excrement, too.

7:18 PM  

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