Thursday, October 28, 2004

Fantasy Fest -- Wednesday

After spending the night in Ft. Lauderdale, I FINALLY made it down to Key West in time for the Pet Parade, which was hysterically funny. I've never seen so many costumed pets in my life. The winner was a guy singing "My Funny Valentine" to his pug dog, who was wearing a blond wig and standing on top of a wheeled mannequin wearing a green dress. Funniest damn thing I've ever seen. Also saw a ton of ferrets dressed as angels/devils, adorable puppies, parrots (with feathered owners), cats, rabbits, etc. Definitely a good time.

After getting set up on the yacht (Wind Chaser), we went down to Duval street. I can't believe how early things are starting this year! Usually I don't see any public nudity until Friday, but I saw quite a bit Wednesday night, as well as the usual gaggle of drag queens and swingers. In fact, the swingers seem to be TAKING OVER Fantasy Fest. And I saw several people wearing thongs and pasties (as usual) who definitely should NOT have been.

Today we're checking out house decorations; the contest winner was a giant mock flying saucer that was made to look as if it had crashed into a house. Later we're going to a haunted house, the butterfly conservatory and the Pretenders masquerade thing...

still have to buy fishnets and a black feather boa to go with my costume...

Finally got to meet my aunt's new dog: a bratty little chihuahua named Olivia (she's been wandering around with us all day and sticking her nose into everything). I might have to steal her :)

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Ladybug Dog Posted by Hello

Favorite Photos From Fantasy Fest Pet Parade

Bird Man and Bird Posted by Hello

Friday, October 22, 2004


It's Election season in Floriduh again, and you know what that means... Yep, time to cast your vote, which won't get counted anyway, for your choice of President: Chimp or Wimp? I can already smell that sweet scent of litigation... But you know, I almost miss the days when people were apathetic about politics.

I wonder if anyone's taking any bets yet on the Hot New Political Buzzwords that are sure to arise. "Hanging Chads", "Pregnant Chads" and "Butterfly Ballots"? SO yesterday. Katherine Harris? Passe.

*** Helpful Hints for Aspiring Politicians ***

1. Lie. Lie an awful lot. Lie like a bad toupee.

2. Acquire a blindingly white smile and very, very stiff hair

3. I'm sorry, but you absolutely MUST learn to kiss babies and pretend to like them. I know, even the prettiest baby has nasty things oozing from both ends, but one must sacrifice for political power.

4. Obfuscate and utilize fuliginous language

5. Develop an overwhelming interest in "values". No one actually knows what values are, but everyone wants them, and it just sounds nice on flyers.

6. Embrace homespun metaphors, but be sure to mix them thoroughly.

7. Remember the little people. Of course, they're worthless and lazy, so you don't actually have to DO anything for them; just say you remember them; they like that sort of thing.

8. Act dumb. According to statistics 99% of the people will ONLY vote for someone with whom they can identify.

9. If you manage to get elected, always remember to blame your predecessor-- that screwup nutjob from the other party.

10. Remember the companies and special interests that supported you? They need love too, and what better way to show it than special tax breaks?

11. REFUSE to be held accountable. That's for underlings.

12. coverup, coverup, coverup

Quote of the Day:
"My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference" -- Harry S. Truman

(I am NOT addicted to I can quit anytime I want)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Is My Neighbor a Junkie?

I am debating whether or not to "do something" about my sketchy next-door neighbor who may or may not be a drug addict...

the story:

I live in a house that has been altered to form four discrete apartments. For several months two of them were empty -- until "J" moved in a couple of weeks ago.

She had the sort of harshly faded prettiness that comes from too much smoking, but seemed nice and normal-- although perhaps somewhat poor. So when she asked to borrow my phone, I said Yes of course and Isn't it too bad that they haven't hooked up your phone yet. There was a little idle chit-chat about the weather, and then she left. "J" returned later in the evening and asked to borrow the phone again. What followed was a request for me to give her a "quick ride" somewhere because she ABSOLUTELY had to pick up something very very important; I tend to be a very STUPID Good Samaritan, so I gave her a ride-- which turned out to be a thirty-five minute trek to the other side of the bay. ugh.

I waited outside a small house for her and, on the way back home, was requested to stop by a pharmacy. I gritted my teeth and waited another twenty minutes. As I drove back, she started to speak verrrryyy slowly and told me some really odd stories: she's unemployed and hasn't found a job in a year, she has a child whom she never sees because he lives with her mother, her friend came in her apartment and took her expensive plasma screen television and dvd player, she went to the hospital because she fell off the roof, she didn't finish college because a professor had it in for her, etc.

By this time I couldn't wait to get rid of her, and had resorted to subtly telling her how POOR I am, and how I don't own any electronics, only books, and how my mother was worried about my living in this neighborhood, but I wasn't worried because I have NOTHING TO STEAL, blah blah blah, etc.

The next morning I discovered she had left a pharmacy bag & receipt for a variant of methadone (an opiate) ; the prescription was not in her or her boyfriend's name, and the address was for the house to which I had taken her...

Not sure if I should report this to the pharmacy and let them handle it, or if I should leave it alone....

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Chariot and Smackdown Wrestling

Went to the anniversary art show at Covivant gallery tonight...

A VERY odd little art performance/rock band called Chariot was playing; think of Kiss (only more interesting). They dress as dirty, demented Ronald McDonalds, Big Boys, stuffed animals and crazy ballerinas -- sometimes changing outfits onstage. The music isn't bad either :)

The gallery also had a wild little "Wrestling Smackdown!" with people in bizarre costumes throwing each other to the floor:
------Sister Mary Merciless (a.k.a., the virgin who wreaks havoc) fought Horny Hanz (the guy in a demented stuffed bunny suit)
------Suzy Spazmo versus Menopausal Maude
------and my favorite pairing: Flora Duh Voter versus the Evil Voting Machine
(there were others, but I forget what they were-- it's been a really long night)

Also saw some demented ceramic pieces-- sort of like Tim Burton meets Dr. Demento meets Toys R' Us. It's too bad none of them were for sale, because they were really cute and twisted -- the artist's name was Danielle Shockley I think...

My friend Britzel was there -- with screaming red lipstick and a blonde crewcut! On her it looks sexy and great; anyone else would just look like Sinead O'Connor. Somehow she got stuck selling T-shirts near the door...

As I was leaving I saw a sign that asked "What is the purpose of an art gallery?" I really don't know anymore, now that I've seen artists stage cheesy wrestling matches...

Later went to a cheesy bar with my friend Britta. We wore flirty skirts and terribly exciting stockings, so had a fairly fun time collecting pick-up lines. Next time we'll tell people we're kindergarten teachers-- that would probably get even more results -- you can just see their eyes glaze over when they ask us what we do for a living and we say Research Biologist and Database Administrator.

I always feel like an anthropologist at those places...

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Defective Fortune Cookies

After enjoying a large helping of MSG-laden Chinese takeout this evening, I unwrapped my fortune cookie; it actually read:

You are a very happy man.

Since I personally do not own a Y-chromosome, this has made me question all my past fortunes as well as the accompanying lucky numbers for the lottery that I never play. However, I couldn't help thinking of all the other defective fortunes it would be amusing to pull out of a cookie:
1. Nobody loves you. Except maybe your dog

2. You will win the lottery. Unfortunately, it will only be five dollars

3. The IRS will audit you this year

4. You will meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger who will steal your wallet

5. We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is it won't be long before that life insurance really pays off!

6. You will get to miss work when the food poisoning kicks in

7. Even though you have a low I.Q., people still think you're funny

8. You will take a long and exotic trip to the county jail

9. You will continue to have a monotonous existence, alleviated only when you have that car wreck some time next week

10. I hate you

11. You will lose all your hair and develop high blood pressure

12. You will enjoy the bliss of romantic love, at least until the restraining order takes effect

13. Remember that little mole on your back? It's cancer

14. Someone named Charlene will open a credit account in your name and charge $10,000

15. You will learn wisdom, but only after you have exhausted all the other options