Defective Fortune Cookies

After enjoying a large helping of MSG-laden Chinese takeout this evening, I unwrapped my fortune cookie; it actually read:

You are a very happy man.

Since I personally do not own a Y-chromosome, this has made me question all my past fortunes as well as the accompanying lucky numbers for the lottery that I never play. However, I couldn't help thinking of all the other defective fortunes it would be amusing to pull out of a cookie:
1. Nobody loves you. Except maybe your dog

2. You will win the lottery. Unfortunately, it will only be five dollars

3. The IRS will audit you this year

4. You will meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger who will steal your wallet

5. We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is it won't be long before that life insurance really pays off!

6. You will get to miss work when the food poisoning kicks in

7. Even though you have a low I.Q., people still think you're funny

8. You will take a long and exotic trip to the county jail

9. You will continue to have a monotonous existence, alleviated only when you have that car wreck some time next week

10. I hate you

11. You will lose all your hair and develop high blood pressure

12. You will enjoy the bliss of romantic love, at least until the restraining order takes effect

13. Remember that little mole on your back? It's cancer

14. Someone named Charlene will open a credit account in your name and charge $10,000

15. You will learn wisdom, but only after you have exhausted all the other options