Friday, October 22, 2004


It's Election season in Floriduh again, and you know what that means... Yep, time to cast your vote, which won't get counted anyway, for your choice of President: Chimp or Wimp? I can already smell that sweet scent of litigation... But you know, I almost miss the days when people were apathetic about politics.

I wonder if anyone's taking any bets yet on the Hot New Political Buzzwords that are sure to arise. "Hanging Chads", "Pregnant Chads" and "Butterfly Ballots"? SO yesterday. Katherine Harris? Passe.

*** Helpful Hints for Aspiring Politicians ***

1. Lie. Lie an awful lot. Lie like a bad toupee.

2. Acquire a blindingly white smile and very, very stiff hair

3. I'm sorry, but you absolutely MUST learn to kiss babies and pretend to like them. I know, even the prettiest baby has nasty things oozing from both ends, but one must sacrifice for political power.

4. Obfuscate and utilize fuliginous language

5. Develop an overwhelming interest in "values". No one actually knows what values are, but everyone wants them, and it just sounds nice on flyers.

6. Embrace homespun metaphors, but be sure to mix them thoroughly.

7. Remember the little people. Of course, they're worthless and lazy, so you don't actually have to DO anything for them; just say you remember them; they like that sort of thing.

8. Act dumb. According to statistics 99% of the people will ONLY vote for someone with whom they can identify.

9. If you manage to get elected, always remember to blame your predecessor-- that screwup nutjob from the other party.

10. Remember the companies and special interests that supported you? They need love too, and what better way to show it than special tax breaks?

11. REFUSE to be held accountable. That's for underlings.

12. coverup, coverup, coverup

Quote of the Day:
"My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference" -- Harry S. Truman

(I am NOT addicted to I can quit anytime I want)


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