um....

This may possibly be the best movie review I've ever read.

In my whole life.

Ever.












My favoritest quote:

"This one was directed by Quentin Tarantino, who’s been an actor in stuff like RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION (he’s also in PLANET OF TERROR and DEATH PROOF). This is his first directing job and the dude KICKS ALL SPECTRUM OF ASS. He kicks ass that isn’t even in the ass area. Like, his director skills are so stripper-with-chainsaw good they make you grow asses on other parts of your body that he then kicks. I hope he directs more movies. I would see them, burn down the theater, and then call the fire department so I could tell all the firemen about what a kick-ass movie it was. When they started to attack me with axes, I’d fly away because Quentin’s movie would have given me ninja flight."

YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!

I just toddled back home after seeing a lovely and heartwarming film filled with spellbinding action sequences and feel-good performances. And, I hate to admit it but, I do (sniff) love a happy (sniff) ending.

Yes, Grindhouse was all that and more!

***** SPOILER ALERT *****

Not only did it have hordes of the undead, Rose McGowan and a machine gun/prosthetic leg, but it also had Kurt Russell as a psychopathic stuntman with a big scar (yeah!), kick-ass muscle cars, gory violence, "crazy babysitter twins" and vengeance with fists!

I loved the faux trailers sandwiched between the double features, and if anyone ever actually films a movie to go with my favorite one (Machete: They F**ked With The Wrong Mexican!), I will instantly run out to see it. My second favorite trailer (Don't!) cracked me up completely, because it sounded like such a throwback to low budget trash classics like Don't Go in the Basement and Don't Go in the House. And my third favorite (Thanksgiving) was a very believable parody of old nasties like Silent Night Deadly Night. Another noteworthy effort was Werewolf Women of the SS from Rob Zombie...

The first feature, the hilarious Planet Terror from Robert Rodriguez, is full of cheese, gore, testicles and fairly fast action once the zombies start pustulating madly and attacking everyone in sight. But my favorite part had to be the sex scene (complete with a wooden leg) where the film was made to seem completely worn out from continuous play... until the "reel" goes missing. heh heh. The second feature, Death Proof from Quentin Tarantino, was a radical change in energy level (me: "I don't know if I can take all this dialogue shit..."), but it picked up rapidly once Kurt Russell revealed the chilling sadist beneath the affable "Stuntman Mike". This had a great extended car chase as well as a very suspenseful scene where one woman is stuck on the hood of a speeding car.

It's always so funny to watch each Tarantino flick and pick out all the old movies he borrows from (Lady Snowblood! Django! Master of the Flying Guillotine! ha ha ha!) . But this double feature is obviously the result of a torrid love affair with many, many B movie exploitation flicks.


Favorite quotes:
"I'm Cherry."
"You sure are."

"I will eat your brains and gain your knowledge."

"If anyone comes to the door, I want you to shoot them"
"What if it's Dad?"
"Especially if it's your dad"

"White meat. Dark meat. They all get carved."



Can you find where *this image shows up in Death Proof?

I can!




* from Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Incredibly Esoteric Movie Reviews!

After the completely melodramatic posting this week, I feel quite certain that everyone is clamoring for some good old-fashioned, angsty teen poetry! Yeah!

However, I have instead been requested by my lovely friend Brian to post some movie review samples for him, as he would like me to start writing for someone's online something-or-other. "Make them esoteric!" he commanded. "We want things that people haven't really seen or heard of before, and I know you're just the person to do it!"

Brian, I have included two abbreviated examples for you-- one filled with glowing praise, the other a dreadful pan. I certainly hope they are esoteric enough for you.

Damn, Girl! (1974) is a suspenseful and elegantly complicated action-drama that seems both somber and piquantly hyperactive as it poses a difficult and provocative question to the viewer: how can a badass pimp-hustler mothaf*cka feel tha funk, avoid the fuzz and get revenge while chillaxin' with his honeys, his rollerskating kung fu army and his tricked-out shag wag? This magnificent film illuminates the somewhat obscure political landscape of 1970s Chicago, but also one man's internal landscape where forbidden desires and cardinal principles coalesce. The flourescent psychedelic jumpsuits, roller skaters in hot pants, daring midnight helicopter escapes, blurry cocaine-sex parties, trained assassin dolphins, great big whopping gobs of cash, CIA ninja conspiracists, Chinese acrobats, big-rig car chases and screaming PCP freakouts-- they all combine to form an astonishing visual and narrative masterpiece that highlights the harsh absurdity of a surprisingly tragic yet ultimately meaningless disco song. (4 1/2 stars out of 5)

Road of Tears (1976) is a relatively obscure example of the romance genre that starred an as-yet-unknown Meryl Streep (under the pseudonym of "Tiffani Mellons"). While pretentious film students might think that she made her film debut in 1977's Julia, she actually had brief cameos in Naked Coed Slasher Party (1974) and Night of the Deadly Spiders (1975) before starring as the ill-fated heroine in the ill-fated Road of Tears -- a full year before the 1977 drama that launched her career. However-- rather unfortunately for Ms. Streep-- the only noteworthy aspects of her Road of Tears performance are her enormously heaving bosom and a horrible faux French accent. She maintains the same baffled expression on her face throughout the movie, whether she is woodenly sobbing at the edge of a cliff or woodenly slobbering over her costar. Her platinum wig shows more talent than she does here, and it definitely deserves a line in the credits. Like any romance film, it will make you want to cry buckets -- but only because you made the mistake of watching this soupy, treacly mess in the first place. (-1 1/2 stars out of 5)