Sunday, February 11, 2007

Incredibly Esoteric Movie Reviews!

After the completely melodramatic posting this week, I feel quite certain that everyone is clamoring for some good old-fashioned, angsty teen poetry! Yeah!

However, I have instead been requested by my lovely friend Brian to post some movie review samples for him, as he would like me to start writing for someone's online something-or-other. "Make them esoteric!" he commanded. "We want things that people haven't really seen or heard of before, and I know you're just the person to do it!"

Brian, I have included two abbreviated examples for you-- one filled with glowing praise, the other a dreadful pan. I certainly hope they are esoteric enough for you.

Damn, Girl! (1974) is a suspenseful and elegantly complicated action-drama that seems both somber and piquantly hyperactive as it poses a difficult and provocative question to the viewer: how can a badass pimp-hustler mothaf*cka feel tha funk, avoid the fuzz and get revenge while chillaxin' with his honeys, his rollerskating kung fu army and his tricked-out shag wag? This magnificent film illuminates the somewhat obscure political landscape of 1970s Chicago, but also one man's internal landscape where forbidden desires and cardinal principles coalesce. The flourescent psychedelic jumpsuits, roller skaters in hot pants, daring midnight helicopter escapes, blurry cocaine-sex parties, trained assassin dolphins, great big whopping gobs of cash, CIA ninja conspiracists, Chinese acrobats, big-rig car chases and screaming PCP freakouts-- they all combine to form an astonishing visual and narrative masterpiece that highlights the harsh absurdity of a surprisingly tragic yet ultimately meaningless disco song. (4 1/2 stars out of 5)

Road of Tears (1976) is a relatively obscure example of the romance genre that starred an as-yet-unknown Meryl Streep (under the pseudonym of "Tiffani Mellons"). While pretentious film students might think that she made her film debut in 1977's Julia, she actually had brief cameos in Naked Coed Slasher Party (1974) and Night of the Deadly Spiders (1975) before starring as the ill-fated heroine in the ill-fated Road of Tears -- a full year before the 1977 drama that launched her career. However-- rather unfortunately for Ms. Streep-- the only noteworthy aspects of her Road of Tears performance are her enormously heaving bosom and a horrible faux French accent. She maintains the same baffled expression on her face throughout the movie, whether she is woodenly sobbing at the edge of a cliff or woodenly slobbering over her costar. Her platinum wig shows more talent than she does here, and it definitely deserves a line in the credits. Like any romance film, it will make you want to cry buckets -- but only because you made the mistake of watching this soupy, treacly mess in the first place. (-1 1/2 stars out of 5)

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8 Comments:

Blogger King Pao Fu said...

You're awesome. I give you one big thump up! I'd give you two thumbs up but my other hand is occupied trying to look up the meaning of "treacly.":)

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Josh said...

Dude, your reviews are golden. I'm trying to start a user-submitted review site (www.lotsopinions.com) and was wondering if you were willing to post any of your reviews. Anything you posted would contain a backlink so it would be a way to promote your site. Also we have a contest for the highest rated review which you'd be eligible for. Let me know what you think, thanks!

8:30 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue 2 said...

But her bosom is heaving enormously though right..Or is it just enormous and does some heaving..
Or will I be heaving if I watch the movie enormous bosom or not..

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Jim Bliss said...

I think you're being entirely unfair on Streep here. The script hardly gave her much to work with, after all.

Oh, and a bit of movie trivia... did you know that Stirling Silliphant (writer of Damn, Girl!) unsuccessfully sued Andrew Lloyd-Webber for "wholesale theft of ideas, characters and dialogue" upon the release of hit stage musical, Starlight Express.

7:01 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue 2 said...

Happy Valentines Day..

11:33 PM  
Anonymous tampafilmfan said...

I haven't seen either film, but enjoyed your reviews. Great stuff! When you get a chance, can you update your links to TBB and TFF? I've moved off of Blogger. Thanks.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Leo said...

Great review, and that Damn Girls already had the best year (1974) going for it so it had to be good.

8:04 PM  
Blogger L said...

King Pao Fu: thanks Brian :)

Josh: thank you! My movie reviews are ALWAYS golden. And sometimes crunchy. I would love to post reviews like this. Just one question: do they have to be actual movies? Just curious...

Happy and Blue: You should really watch this movie, just to get the proper perspective on the heavingness and enormosity of the bosom involved...

Jim: you see, this is why we have to get married. I didn't realize you were such an expert on Silliphant, as he's really such an obscure figure. However, here's a fact I bet you DON'T know: Stirling Silliphant also had a short-lived acting career in his youth and was one of the backup dancers for Fred Astaire AND Ginger Rogers. Really, I've always thought that someone should do his biography. His life after the sex change operation was especially interesting I think, as he really seemed to spin out of control for a few years before entering rehab and marrying a distant cousin of the Barrymore family....

Happy and BLue: happy valentine's day to you too!

TampaFilmFan: I can safely say that "Damn, Girl!" is a must-see if you can actually locate it.

Leo: there are even more reviews where these came from!

9:48 PM  

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