Incredibly Esoteric Movie Reviews!

After the completely melodramatic posting this week, I feel quite certain that everyone is clamoring for some good old-fashioned, angsty teen poetry! Yeah!

However, I have instead been requested by my lovely friend Brian to post some movie review samples for him, as he would like me to start writing for someone's online something-or-other. "Make them esoteric!" he commanded. "We want things that people haven't really seen or heard of before, and I know you're just the person to do it!"

Brian, I have included two abbreviated examples for you-- one filled with glowing praise, the other a dreadful pan. I certainly hope they are esoteric enough for you.

Damn, Girl! (1974) is a suspenseful and elegantly complicated action-drama that seems both somber and piquantly hyperactive as it poses a difficult and provocative question to the viewer: how can a badass pimp-hustler mothaf*cka feel tha funk, avoid the fuzz and get revenge while chillaxin' with his honeys, his rollerskating kung fu army and his tricked-out shag wag? This magnificent film illuminates the somewhat obscure political landscape of 1970s Chicago, but also one man's internal landscape where forbidden desires and cardinal principles coalesce. The flourescent psychedelic jumpsuits, roller skaters in hot pants, daring midnight helicopter escapes, blurry cocaine-sex parties, trained assassin dolphins, great big whopping gobs of cash, CIA ninja conspiracists, Chinese acrobats, big-rig car chases and screaming PCP freakouts-- they all combine to form an astonishing visual and narrative masterpiece that highlights the harsh absurdity of a surprisingly tragic yet ultimately meaningless disco song. (4 1/2 stars out of 5)

Road of Tears (1976) is a relatively obscure example of the romance genre that starred an as-yet-unknown Meryl Streep (under the pseudonym of "Tiffani Mellons"). While pretentious film students might think that she made her film debut in 1977's Julia, she actually had brief cameos in Naked Coed Slasher Party (1974) and Night of the Deadly Spiders (1975) before starring as the ill-fated heroine in the ill-fated Road of Tears -- a full year before the 1977 drama that launched her career. However-- rather unfortunately for Ms. Streep-- the only noteworthy aspects of her Road of Tears performance are her enormously heaving bosom and a horrible faux French accent. She maintains the same baffled expression on her face throughout the movie, whether she is woodenly sobbing at the edge of a cliff or woodenly slobbering over her costar. Her platinum wig shows more talent than she does here, and it definitely deserves a line in the credits. Like any romance film, it will make you want to cry buckets -- but only because you made the mistake of watching this soupy, treacly mess in the first place. (-1 1/2 stars out of 5)