Monday, March 06, 2006

The Oscar Report: I LOST AGAIN

Well, I have been passed over yet again for an Oscar, despite an especially vivid dream that I'd won the Lifetime Achievement for Most Charming Person, presented by an especially fashionable young man.

Oh well.

But of course, there's always next year. I suppose this is the reason that Joan Rivers calls me the 'Susan Lucci' of bloggers. "However," she once said to me, "can you tell me where to find the ladies room?"

Anyway, I thought I'd give a brief rundown of the major winners, as well as my incisive analysis of why they've won. Although I've seen absolutely none of them yet, this has never stopped any critic before.

The Winners: An Incisive Oscar Analysis!

Best Picture: Crash
This film was certainly the dark horse this year, coming in for a stunning upset over the favorite, Brokeback Mountain. Crash tells the riveting story of a young family on the run from the Mafia-- banking all their hopes on a desperate bid for an insurance payout after a tragic accident involving a school bus and a sedan. Only their hope, their strength, and their strong family ties can save them from the darker side of human nature. While not the odds-on favorite, (a few short-sighted critics called it "trite" and "lacking in ninja scenes") Crash was notable for the brilliant acting of its ensemble cast, the thrilling story, and the beautiful cinematography related to car chases and explosions.

Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Reese certainly gave an outstanding performance in one of the year's most popular films: Walk the Line, a triumphant musical that tells the story (in four part harmony) of a young woman forced through the humiliation of a field sobriety test and its chilling aftermath. While derided by some critics as being "saccharine-filled" and not having "large enough breasts", she delivered a vivid performance in this searing indictment of social expectations and political jurisprudence. Indeed, this award was truly given for a part that only a woman could play.

Best Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Phillip deservedly earned this major award, despite being dubbed "the thinking man's tubby friend next door" by some especially harsh critics last year. In the season's most fetching and gaiety-filled drama, Capote, he gave a brilliant and vivacious performance as a glitteringly jolly writer who successfully hides a mysterious dark side before embarking on a bloody rampage through the fields of Kansas. Not without controversy, this film propelled Phillip to newfound stardom and quite a startling lisp, apparently.

Best Director: Ang Lee
While Brokeback Mountain did not win the golden statue of a naked little man, its director, Ang Lee, most certainly did. Good for him!


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

While you may not have won an Oscar--perhaps your fans can nominate you for something else:

Maybe in the category:
Best of the Top 6751 - 8750 Blogs

Remember, Tomorrow is Another Day

6:07 AM  
Blogger L said...

My Dear Professor: you are always so complimentary :) Someday, soon, I am sure I will possibly be nominated for the Best of the Top 6,751 - 8,750 blogs in Florida. Until then, I can only dream....

10:43 PM  

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