Thursday, November 10, 2005

Aiding and Abetting Punsters

According to my calendar, I have sadly missed yet another important holiday: National Aid and Abet Punsters Day (November 8th). I am feeling slightly Evil and Lazy, so I will post some random and celebratory phrases from other people.

A duck goes into a shop and asks, "Can I have some lip salve please?"
The shop assistant asks, "Will you be paying cash?"
The duck replies, "No thank you, just put it on my bill."

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.

How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

In other useless news, I just finished watching a gloriously insane supernatural- kung fu- swordfighting epic filled with demons, Taoist priests and perplexed-looking maidens (Picture of a Nymph). I just thought I'd share some of the movie's best lines, which I am still trying to figure out how to use in daily conversations:

"What a triumph for chastity!" (this could be used when speaking to an annoying programmer)

"I'm gratified, even if I fail to reincarnate." (when thanking someone for a useless gift)

"Can't you see I have mustache? Between the sexes?" (to rebuff an annoyingly persistent suitor)

"Keep your mind on the paper crane." (what to say when asked for advice)

"To put wine feelings into it?" (to be used when ordering a drink at the bar)

"Anyone wanting to be a hero is observation" (to use when one wishes to appear wise)

"How naughty you are!" (to be used only with a significant other)


Blogger Larry Jones said...

I'm sure if you learn these phrases well and use them in all your conversations, you will certainly be most sought after for all the best parties. Just make sure you don't use the Secret Power Word: oqoiaifg.

11:35 PM  
Blogger Mariana said...

While we're at, I remember this joke from a Monty Python episode:
- My dog has no nose!
- Then how does he smell?
- Awful!

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Professor Twain said...

" circumstances, however dismal, will ever be considered a sufficient excuse for the admission of that last and saddest evidence of intellectual poverty, the Pun."
Mark Twain
Note however that his name was a pun, and he used them himself (e.g. "A Tramp Abroad")

8:13 AM  
Blogger L said...

Larry: so far I have actually only managed to use one :(

Mariana: heh heh heh

My Dearest Professor: I still consider him to be one of the finest humor writers of all time. I bet he was great fun at dinner parties....

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Brenda Love said...

I thought it was....

10:53 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

I love the wine feelings & paper crane!

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Is that lady cat a punster or a pun herself? :o (-oh my!)

10:53 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

Good puns and smart sayings. It almost made my head explode..

10:53 PM  
Anonymous malachi trizec said...

am i the only one that pronounces 'foyer' "foy-eh" ?

10:53 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

I like the paper crane and reincarnation lines. I need a few lines like that to drop at my next stakeholder meeting. I'll have to find that movie (as soon, of course, as I get back from the life disruption and mental anguish festival).

10:53 PM  
Anonymous vile file said...

farewell, darling! I'm departing the Blog World...

I'll be back to visit you though, to find out more about animals without pants, and cheescake.


Ms Vile

10:54 PM  
Blogger L said...

Brenda: I never heard that version

moos: so far, alas, I have only been able to actually use one of the phrases, however...

Lisa: I haven't decided yet

Happy&Blue: take two aspirin and comment in the morning

malachi trizec: yes :)

comfort addict: If you need strange kung fu movie recommendations, I've got 'em!

Ms. Vile: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I am Truly Upset that you will be suspending the Vile File! You are my very favoritest Misanthrope! I really hope you're lying.

10:54 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Aha! I did not know most of those jokes nor had I heard of this movie before. I shall therefore conduct some research into the film and steal your puns. Hmm, rather than outright theft, here's a small payment of humor from the back of a Newman's Own container:

Q: What did the grape farmer whisper to his grapes each night?

A: Goodnight little ones. You are my raisin d'etre.

10:54 PM  
Anonymous tickgirl said...

hey L - not sure if i am your first reader from costa rica, but figured i would drop a few colones and see what you have been up to. i dont have your email - ¿what is up with FF in Dec? surely i am the first to use that upside-down question mark!!! i am typing on a spanish language keyboard, so there are lots of funny little thingees like the ñ key and this thing ´´. anyway, i will check back in a few days...

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Your standard safe answer. :D It's good, I'm sure I'll start to use it soon.

10:55 PM  
Anonymous mr. anigans said...

i like to work in the phrase "Watch my stance!" whenever possible.

10:55 PM  
Blogger L said...

glomgold: I like that one!

tickgirl: you may indeed be the first reader from Costa Rica! how are things down there anyway?

Lisa: what can I say? I was tired. Next time I'll come up with something more incisive and witty

Mr. Anigans: is that a physical or philisophical stance?

10:55 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

I thought I should use "keep your mind on the paper chrane" at my next staff meeting at the end of my notes just to see if anyone says anything. I'm thinking..."no."

10:55 PM  
Blogger L said...

heh heh heh -- a good way to trap people though

10:55 PM  

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