Sunday, June 12, 2005

Survey and Market Research

As of late, there have been remarks that this blog does not contain enough sex and violence to retain market share among corporate America's target audience. As a result, our investors have expressed a great deal of concern.

However, we here at Random_Speak feel that you, our core customer, should remain the focus of our mission statement. Therefore, we have appointed a committee whose duties will be to: A.) examine ways to improve customer satisfaction, B.) hold meetings and C.) look very concerned about the whole thing.

Committee members are hand-picked subject matter experts and anxiously await your feedback.

Our goals:
1. To improve customer satisfaction
2. To retain our high-value customers
3. To increase brand awareness
4. To eat, drink and be merry
5. And much, much more!

The Random_Speak committee will do extensive research on the latest cultural trends, then triangulate that with blogging audience demographics. They will then compile a thoroughly-written and boring report that illustrates to shareholders how this blog can find success within its niche market, whatever that turns out to be.

Random_Speak will adapt to changes in the search engine market, as well as changes to our industry and marketing goals. When consumers search for "violent midget families on skates", "enormously bland sexual handkerchiefs for sociopaths", and "horribly violent forks that maim sexy drunken co-eds", we want to be Number One!

We will use verbatim customer comments to understand their general thoughts and market behaviours using specialized text analysis for linguistic extraction. Additionally, a market segmentation study will identify our target demographics, geography, lifestyles, and socioeconomic status. This will allow our marketing program to develop a clear, branded message, as well as to focus on the subset of consumers who are most likely to read this crap.


Brief Marketing Survey
1. Should we rename this blog, which has an incredibly lame name-- keeping in mind that people do Google this name?

2. If this blog is renamed, what would be a good name to reflect its content? Unfortunately, "The Hot Librarian" was already taken.

3. Due to the low percentage of sex and violent content should we: A.) Start posting more photos of animals without pants? B.) Earnestly list ways to violently maim aggressive drivers talking on cell phones? C.) Discuss sexually suggestive celebrities who smoke crack and get arrested? D.) All of the above?

4. Please inform us of your response to these core phrases:
A.) Chaos, panic and disorder
B.) Drunken spending sprees
C.) I like cheesecake
D.) Also, unsuitable men
E.) Cheap, meaningless and rather sordid activities
F.) Plotting revenge is fun
G.) Especially in odd situations

Thank You for your support.

21 Comments:

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Customer apathy is a terrible thing... LOL!

8:59 AM  
Blogger L said...

yeah, I do want to retain my core audience...

7:54 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

I thing you should rename your blog "Especially in Odd Situation" or Strawberries and Champagne", or "Champagne and Strawberries" (first things firs"t, after all), or someting with "Miscellaneous" in the title... like "Miscellaneous Delusions" or "Miscellaneous Clutter" or "Vintage Card Catalogus and othe Miscellany"... I'm sure you will find something that suits you.

Who else is on the committe?

10:07 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

In the meantime, I am still hoping for book reviews of the Lemony Snicket series.

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

1 & 2)Going from my web-stats, "Tampon Insertion Photos" would guarantee a hell of a lot of traffic to your blog. Sad, but true. I can only think of "L's Bells" which is super-lame, but yet I giggle at it all the same.

3) definitely D!

4) They all made me hungry.

10:08 PM  
Anonymous weary hagq said...

1.I kinda like the Random_Speak title but you could play on your "name" a bit if you wanted a change. Forinstance "From L to Eternity," or "Going Straight to L." How about "Hot As L"
2. See above
3. D
4. I'm partial to E though D would get my attention as well.

Thanking your committee in advance for their careful consideration in this matter.

10:08 PM  
Anonymous rainypete said...

I'd say you aggressively market the name you have. Wal-Mart is hardly a stellar name but people know it as the ultimate source for cheap crap!!

3. definitely animals without pants

4. all sound like you've been watching me this weekend! Great, now I have to go sweep the house for cameras and microphones.

10:09 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

1. Yes and No
2. Rename it "Random Speak: Idle Musings of a ___________" Fill in your own market pleasing description.
3. D
4A. wooohooo!
4B. sweet!
4C. yum
4D. no thanks for me.
4E. score!
4F. Hell Yeah!
4G. Indubitably

10:09 PM  
Anonymous alisa said...

1. Possibly (everyone needs a change... even blogs)- I am very new to your blog so I have not had the opportunity to analyze the pscyhe behind the blogger (which is a good thing as that would signify too much time on my hands).

2. If this blog is renamed, what would be a good name to reflect its content? Unfortunately, "The Hot Librarian" was already taken.

3. B

4. Please inform us of your response to these core phrases:
A.) Armageddon or just another day in the office
B.) My best friend and I at a bar
C.) Who doesn't?
D.) BTDT
E.) It's been a while...
F.) Yes, yes it is
G.) Story of my life

10:09 PM  
Anonymous alisa said...

Whoops on #2 -

Something along the lines, of, the Leaning Tower of Books? (but better... I'm not very creative)

10:10 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

1)I like the name Random. I even like the underscore that follows it. But perhaps the word Speak could be changed to Spank. It only involves the replacement of a few letters so it shouldn't take you too long. Plus you would still appear on Google, probably on the same page and would likely get a few more hits (pardon the pun).

2) The new name Random_Spank still reflects the content. The humorous use of sarcasm WHIPS (apparently used in some spanking rituals) you into a laughing frenzy. You will be SLAPPING ( another spanking technique) your knee repeatedly as you read.

3) A.) Start posting more photos of animals without pants getting spanked.
B.) Earnestly list ways to violently maim aggressive drivers talking on cell phones perhaps while spanking them with a gun?
C.) Discuss sexually suggestive celebrities who smoke crack and get arrested and then spanked by the police?

4. Please inform us of your response to these core phrases:
A.) Chaos, panic and disorder- require a spanking..
B.) Drunken spending sprees - require a spanking..
C.) I like cheesecake - after a spanking session..
D.) Also, unsuitable men - usually can't spank worth a darn..
E.) Cheap, meaningless and rather sordid activities - involving spanking..
F.) Plotting revenge is fun -when it culminates in spanking..
G.) Especially in odd situations -where no spanking occurs..

I've tried to stick to a theme here.
Hope this helps..

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Brenda Love said...

I like it just as it is...

10:10 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

1. You may want to consider it. When Mrs. CA and I got a new front door, it brightened up the house.

2. How about a play on the word "eclectic" (which is especially characteristic of your blog)? "The Body Eclectic?" This has the advantage of sounding like that other thing. "The Baudy Eclectic?" This lets in the possibility for titillation (always a good blog draw).

3. E.) Every now and then, make vague and uncertain allusions that could be construed as erotic. Follow immediately with a non sequitur.

4. A.) OK, have you been peeking into my head again?
B.) OK, have you been peeking into Mrs. CA's head again?
C.) See answers A and B.
D.) There is no unsuitable man according to a clothier I know.
E.) See my twenties.
F.) Plotting Ravenna is funner (cartographically speaking).
G.) The name I almost gave my blog.

10:11 PM  
Anonymous carmi said...

Cheesecake takes the cake. The double entendre will result in many surprise search engine visits.

10:11 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

1 and 2. I like the name but wouldn't mind something playing off of the L... like The L You Say or You Picked a L of a Time to Bring That Up...

3. A.) Start posting more photos of animals without pants? (No, it has been done to death by the Animal Planet channel) B.) Earnestly list ways to violently maim aggressive drivers talking on cell phones? (Absolutely and especially if you can suggest creative ways to use sharpened chicken bones and ripened Pampers) C.) Discuss sexually suggestive celebrities who smoke crack and get arrested? (Does such an animal exist?) D.) All of the above? (okay, what the L, do 'em all)


4. Please inform us of your response to these core phrases:
A.) Chaos, panic and disorder - please!
B.) Drunken spending sprees - oh definitely, please!
C.) I like cheesecake - only during times of experiencing B.
D.) Also, unsuitable men - would this be men incapable of wearing a suit or men who are unsuitable for B?
E.) Cheap, meaningless and rather sordid activities - Now ya talkin'
F.) Plotting revenge is fun - unless you know the revenge you take upon the white coats is going to lead you back to the room with the probes and the generators...
G.) Especially in odd situations - Hmm, such as eating cheesecake during a drunken spending spree?

10:11 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

1. A new, fresh name might be "hip" as the kids say, but there's a certain tradition in place already.
2. hmm...
3.A. Hot damn! B. hot diggity! C. feh
4.A. Whee! Makes me wanna move to LA!
B. not my bag
C. my bag!
D. I can see that
E. ok
F. it is if done right!
G. probably not done right then
Will you be mailing up money for our time?

10:12 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Oh, and that lady on the right appears to be smirking and thusly not taking this seriously enough.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

1. I like the name - but you know that it doesn't take much to amuse me.

2. Hey, how about that?
"You Know it Doesn't Take Much to Amuse Me"

3A. How about animals wearing pants?

3B. Sounds like a plan - How about flinging cowchips at them?

3C. I think that you need more of these - with photos & mug shots, please.

4A. Our house
4B. Several years of my life that I vaguely recall.
4C. Juniors, Brooklyn New York, please.
4D. Several years of my life that I'm still trying NOT to recall.
4E. Several years of my life that I think I blacked out.
4F. Not to mention sweet.
4G. Several years of my life yet to come.

10:13 PM  
Anonymous sarah said...

Cheesecake...oh how I love cheesecake

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Vile File said...

A.) Chaos, panic and disorder
B.) Drunken spending sprees
C.) I like cheesecake
D.) Also, unsuitable men
E.) Cheap, meaningless and rather sordid activities
F.) Plotting revenge is fun
G.) Especially in odd situations

All the above sound simply marvellous, especially when animals without pants and crack-addled celebrities are thrown in for good measure.

10:13 PM  
Blogger L said...

Rhodent: the committee consists of Me, Myself and I. Unfortunately, Myself was unable to make it for the photo op because she was napping...

glomgold: unfortunately I have spent most of my $ on moving, etc., so I will be unable to pay survey participants

wow! a lot of people had some great suggestions! I might keep the same name though, because I think it might be too late to change.

maybe I'll just change the description or something...

10:13 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home