Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The Horror.... The HORROR!

Thank goodness I'm moving soon, because my psychotic neighbor is driving me crazy this week. I may have to kill him in a Terribly Painful manner. Any suggestions?

He has persistently asked me to
A.) go with him to a Donna Summer's concert,
B.) kick his cats, and
C.) go with him to someplace completely unintelligible

He has repeatedly attempted to give me
A.) random plant pots,
B.) strange newspaper clippings, and
C.) his cats

None of that would have been quite so unnerving, except for the fact that he is also a horribly unattractive alcoholic thirty years my senior-- who is addicted to Donna Summers.

He also went on a surreal rampage last night: banging doors, throwing things, talking to himself, and swearing awful things to the very cute biracial couple who live next door. I was ALREADY CRANKY over being ill and not having any nookie or berries, so I promptly marched over to the landlady and complained in a very reasonable manner.

Should I:
A.) purchase a ladylike tommy gun and "bust a cap" in this clearly deranged person?
B.) egg his car?
C.) hire a mime troupe to harass him at work?

The days until June 18th are moving ag...on...iz...ing...ly sl...ow...ly.


Blogger Rhodent said...

I am sure that your landlady was not very happy about the rampaging either.
Glad you'll be out of there SOON!

7:57 AM  
Blogger L said...

me too

10:20 PM  
Blogger Comfort Addict said...

Do the best you can to avoid, ignore and not respond to him. I've tried creative resistance with people like this and it only seems to encourage them.

By the way, are you being affected by Tropical Storm Arlene? I hope that you're staying dry and feeling better.

12:04 PM  
Blogger L said...

definitely feeling better :)

11:18 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

Oh No! We really don't want to send care packages of cigarettes to you in prison.

10:30 PM  
Anonymous carmi said...

Play Helen Reddy music at incredibly high volumes. Do so at random times during the day and night.

10:30 PM  
Anonymous rainypete said...


The last day there you should wrap a newspaper around a cat, stick it in a plant pot and leave it at his door.

10:30 PM  
Anonymous jim bliss said...

You only have a few more days of dealing with this guy, so I don't think "busting caps" is a good idea. After all, a murder requires a lot of preparation and planning if you're hoping to avoid jail time.

Besides which, with someone like your neighbour it would probably take less planning to get him locked away.

According to this web page for instance, there's a Donna Summer look-alike performing in a casino in Arizona. Hire the look-alike to loudly go through your neighbour's garbage one night (loud enough to attract his attention). Then call the local police and complain that your neighbour has gone stark raving mad and is a danger to himself and others. "After all officer, anyone who claims that Donna Summer is going through his rubbish... well, you can't be too careful with people like that, can you?"

10:31 PM  
Anonymous SilverMoon(aka GEL) said...

Chuckling but feeling 4 U!
Perhaps you could lure him to spots via anonymous notes, and you wouldn't be there, but you'd have peace and quiet while he's waiting for his date to show....... NO I don''t mean for him to wait 10 days. That would be mean.

10:31 PM  
Anonymous r* said...


Added a link to you today. We seem to travel in similar circles, btw.

10:31 PM  
Anonymous mary said...

Great blog. You're going to love St. Pete. I like the idea of anonymous notes luring him away and preferably near a hospital because he's going to need one soon - alcoholic dimentia must be setting in by now.

10:32 PM  
Blogger L said...

moos: how about care packages of cookies and trashy magazines instead then?

Carmi: wonderful suggestion!

rainypete: yeah, that would freak him right out.

Jim Bliss: that is definitely the most creatvie suggestion, and much better than mine

SilverMoon /Green Eyed Lady: ah, but he might figure out it was me

r* : hmmm.... do we know any of the same people? We may have seen each other out and about

Mary: You are probably right-- I think he's actually a bit younger than he looks-- and he looks VERY unhealthy

10:32 PM  
Anonymous r* said...


10:32 PM  
Blogger L said...

r*: ah-ha! I am sure that I must have seen you around then...

10:32 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

I would invite him on a nice little trip to the Everglades and at the appropriate moment, push him off the airboat, preferably in front of an irritable and hungry 'gator. The ecology folks will love you for feeding an alligator, you will appreciate you peace and quiet, and the alligator will appreciate the buzz it gets from consuming a rum filled snack.

10:32 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

For goodness sake. He obviously sees that you share a lot at the moment. Both of you are sick, not getting nooky and missing berries.
Get well fast, get some and eat a lot of berries and he'll leave you alone..

10:33 PM  

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