Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I Sparkle in the Glow of Fried Food and Sports Knowledge

After work yesterday I was supposed to A) do laundry and B) go to the gym. Once I realized this, I immediately ran over to a tacky sports bar with co-workers and drank beer. We also ate deep fried fries, fried onion fries, some fried food, fried cheese and cheese fries with a fried fry sauce.

This menu is mandatory when visiting any sports bar, as stated in the Hillsborough County Statute 100-A201; a later amendment (section 2B) to this also requires that each available wall is to be covered in no less than two (2) hugely plasmatic big screen televisions running continuous sports coverage at maximum volume. The following additional amendments had also been proposed, but were discarded as unnecessary since they are universally followed:

1. All waitresses must prominently display a tattoo of one of the following: a.) a happy butterfly b.) a happy sun or c.) a happy dolphin

2. All non domestic beer must be poured wrongly

3. Only drunks and aliens are allowed to play pool.

4. The higher the number of beers consumed, the more each male must lie extravagantly about a.) his work b.) his car c.) his celebrity connections

5. Bathroom graffiti is required to contain at least one of the following phrases:
"Mark is SO hot!!!"
"You GO girl!!!"
"Tammy is a HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Class of '89 ROCKS!!!!"


On a serious note, though, it was really a wonderful opportunity to exchange precious sports knowledge with other fans. Not a day goes by without my checkin' out the old stats on things like cricket fighting and ancient Peruvian games....

* The Incas, in fact, played quite a deadly form of primitive basketball. The object of the game was to shoot a solid rubber ball through a stone ring placed high on a wall. Winners were awarded the clothing of all spectators present; Losers were executed.

* Best unicyclist ever: Steve McPeak, who rode one thirty-two feet high

* The combat sport of cricket fighting is now illegal in Hong Kong

* The BEST football team ever? The Plainfield Teachers College team

* King Edward VII owned a golf bag made from an elephant's penis.

* Soccer players are better looking than football players

7 Comments:

Blogger Frally said...

Hi L,

Far better looking than soccer, football and all other such players, are AFL players. That's Australian Rules Football, where I come from.
Case in point: http://www.shirtlessafl.com/sydney/capper.html
Aaah, Warwick Capper is a god. Get in line, ladies.

9:14 PM  
Blogger L said...

hee hee! that's quite a snazzy little bathing suit he's wearing there...

9:28 PM  
Blogger theomorph said...

Wow. That's a lot of fried food. And here I am with my eggplant soup...

9:37 PM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Frally - That guy is some studly dude. Makes me wonder why I am even allowed to live. But do the Australian rules officials still dress in white suits and wear white hats? I saw that on some cable channel many years ago. Now THEY are hip...

L - In case you don't check back, I'll say this again: Sweetheart, you can't know how much your message has lifted my heart. Thanks!
BTW, Your county Board of Supervisors ROCKS!

10:59 PM  
Blogger L said...

Yes, I thought you would be touched by my comment on rocket launchers...

6:23 PM  
Blogger Mr Anigans said...

wow...i don't own anything made out of an elephant's penis. that's decadent.

9:00 PM  
Blogger L said...

the elephant penis golf bag was actually a gift from a Maharaja, who had heard of the king's fondness for adultery, big-game hunting and golf (although not necessarily in that order).

8:09 AM  

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