Thursday, February 21, 2008

unapproved activities

Rather than pursuing a normal lifestyle filled with champagne, yachts and terribly expensive party frocks, I have, rather dismally, been studying and working for a living, which can't be at all good for my health.

Luckily, my office is organizing a "Team Outing", which I am hoping will involve alcohol and attractive celebrities. Unfortunately, pesky legalities have removed most of my suggestions for fun and educational team building activities. For some bizarre reason, an actual memo was distributed to ban the following events:

Unapproved Activities
· Bull Fighting
· Bull Riding
· Bungee Jumping
· Car or Boat Racing School
· Cave Diving
· Cliff Diving
· Hang Gliding
· Mountain Climbing - Technical
· Piloting Private Aircraft
· Racing Boats
· Riding Motorcycles and All Terrain Vehicles
· Running with the Bulls
· Skate Boarding
· Sky Diving

However, this still leaves BASE jumping, alligator wrestling, extreme fighting, competitive flamethrowing, tightrope walking, bear-baiting, professional wrestling, machine gun-jet skiing, artistic welding, human cannoning, swimming with sharks, firewalking, and naked kickboxing. So, all is not lost.

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

In honor of the holiday, I was going to post on all that is good and beautiful about love and flowers and puppies and sunshine and rainbows and peanut butter cups.... but most especially romance.

Here goes.

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner;
At half past nine
They sat down to dine,
And by quarter to ten it was in her.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau:
"Just look at me Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

A very smart lady named Cookie
Said "I like to mix gambling with nookie.
Before every race
I go home to my place
And curl up with a very good bookie."

There was a young lass from Dumfries
Who said to her lad, "If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these."

Have you heard of the Widow O'Reilly,
Who esteemed her late husband so highly
That in spite of the scandal
Her umbrella handle
Was made of his membrum virile?

*all poetry attributed to Anonymous

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

an Absolutely Enormous Tumor and a Lack of Cigarettes

Well, I just returned from the hospital after visiting a friend who has a TWENTY-FIVE POUND tumor (!)

I really had no idea they made them that large, the doctor was flabbergasted, and we've considered giving it a cheerful name like "Steven" or "Roderick" since it's practically a person anyway. Luckily, my friend is being given all sorts of lovely drugs to cheer her up while concerned-looking people in scrubs earnestly discuss how enormous scars aren't all that bad, really, and she wasn't using some of her internal organs anyway.

some observations:
1. Apparently, hospital regulations require all patients to watch ten hours of "American Idol" and "Entertainment Tonight" in order to be properly anesthetized for surgery, so her girlfriend and I couldn't stay very late.

2. These regulations also state that each patient's buttocks should protrude no less than three inches from hospital gowns in order to give the staff a giggle.

3. All cafeteria meals must be constructed from only the very best and latest imported space-age plastics

Although she spent much of her time demanding fried chicken and glaring at tubes, she did manage to amuse herself by pretending to be a straight married woman who desparately desires seven children and is hopelessly traumatized by the loss of her uterus. Unfortunately, as a ploy to win sympathy cigarettes, it was a miserable failure. She cheered up a bit, however, when we told her it could be a record-winning tumor; so she hopes the surgeon will give her a photo for a memento.

I missed frisbee (again), so it looks like I am back to sanding paint off the bathroom walls.......

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Monday, February 11, 2008

A Cultural Post For The Edification And Improvement Of All

From time to time, the cultural committee here at Random_Speak presents a very special post for the edification, education and general improvement of our audience.
To-day is no exception as we proudly present the first installment of Tiny Biography Monday

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Despite his once famous reputation Joseph Pujol is largely unknown today, his lasting contribution to French culture all but forgotten. Popularly known as the "Farting Maniac" (Le Pétomane) during the late 19th century, he could fart with enough force to extinguish lit candles from a couple of yards away.

Performing at the Moulin Rouge (as well as recording popular phonographs), he would imitate earthquakes, thunderstorms, animal noises, musical instruments and 21 gun salutes with his sphincter muscle. Additionally, his flatulent version of La Marseillaise brought joy to many, including a rather impressionable Sigmund Freud. After taking a well-deserved retirement from the stage, Le Pétomane quietly ran a bakery and died in his late eighties -- finally ending the career of a truly great fartiste and bringing to a close his important contribution to the arts.

* image taken from

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

back to blogging and a trip to the flea market

I'm back from an extended blogging break, although I'm sure that only my mother is reading this after an absence of several months. Hi Mom!!!

Contrary to popular speculation, I did not run away to join the circus or die spectacularly in shark-infested waters off the coast of Africa while evading pirates. I've just been swamped with puttering around my new house, acquiring a boyfriend, having my neck crunched by drunken sailors, eating cheese and buying useful things at flea markets.

For example, a flea market is the only place you can purchase a "Gold Packs of Flavor Wrapping Paper", which states: "This wrapping paper the assortment is numerous, and the species assorts with the popular vogue synchronous, the applicability of low file product in rarious senior high school is expensive sufler the large businessman to like!" The ingredients are listed as: "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. My friend! I will never erase the memory of you from my mind please remember me now and then." I can't wait to use it.

Luckily, I was also able to purchase a plastic "Natural Health Care Product Out Of Plant", which was accompanied by a plastic "bath massage thing", which strongly assured me that the "vegetable Sponge has the efficacy of disinfecting. Eliminate itch, beatifying and protecting skin, as well as strengthening health and invigorating brains. Soft and comfortable. A bath with vegetable sponge. Can eliminate filth and grease, promote metabolism of skin. Long use can serve to care all kinds of skin diseases." So, yeah, my leprosy and softening brain are almost cured.

As an emergency backup, I also purchased a "Magnetic Darts Safe Funny" which is very colorful and seems to involve toxic plastic and various photos of aliens wrestling midget Godzillas. Additionally, as the manufacturers helpfully inform me, the "Magnetic Dartboard is a toy which is very safe and full of fun. Normal dartboard using a very sharp dart. It is very dangerous and could hurt people if used in-properly. So it is not a good toy for children. However, our magnetic dartboard does not have such problem. Our mangentic dartboard use a strong magenton dart to replace the sharp tip." Which is great advice and really quite useful, as I could poke an eye out or kill someone otherwise.

So, Mom, if you're lucky I might post tomorrow too!

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