Wednesday, February 13, 2008

an Absolutely Enormous Tumor and a Lack of Cigarettes

Well, I just returned from the hospital after visiting a friend who has a TWENTY-FIVE POUND tumor (!)

I really had no idea they made them that large, the doctor was flabbergasted, and we've considered giving it a cheerful name like "Steven" or "Roderick" since it's practically a person anyway. Luckily, my friend is being given all sorts of lovely drugs to cheer her up while concerned-looking people in scrubs earnestly discuss how enormous scars aren't all that bad, really, and she wasn't using some of her internal organs anyway.

some observations:
1. Apparently, hospital regulations require all patients to watch ten hours of "American Idol" and "Entertainment Tonight" in order to be properly anesthetized for surgery, so her girlfriend and I couldn't stay very late.

2. These regulations also state that each patient's buttocks should protrude no less than three inches from hospital gowns in order to give the staff a giggle.

3. All cafeteria meals must be constructed from only the very best and latest imported space-age plastics

Although she spent much of her time demanding fried chicken and glaring at tubes, she did manage to amuse herself by pretending to be a straight married woman who desparately desires seven children and is hopelessly traumatized by the loss of her uterus. Unfortunately, as a ploy to win sympathy cigarettes, it was a miserable failure. She cheered up a bit, however, when we told her it could be a record-winning tumor; so she hopes the surgeon will give her a photo for a memento.

I missed frisbee (again), so it looks like I am back to sanding paint off the bathroom walls.......

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Blogger Comfort Addict said...

Hey, at least it wasn't a 25-lb. tuba. Talk about lower back pain.

7:29 PM  
Blogger L said...

har har har :) I think she's definitely going to feel a lot lighter when she finally heals, that's for sure!

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, dear!

12:27 PM  

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