Monday, March 03, 2008

L's Handy Guide to Repainting Bathrooms

According to top experts, the average bathroom remodeling project costs $15,994.21 and results in an increase in home value of about $101.23 after causing depression, exhaustion, bruises, crushed fingers, mental scarring, hair loss, migraines, heartache, broken limbs, broken relationships and the occasional loss of life.

So, it is not a project to be undertaken lightly. However, with L's Handy Guide to Repainting Bathrooms, you too may have the bathing experience of your dreams without the pain and expense of breaking into Donald Trump's house.

When planning to repaint your bathroom, it is necessary to start with the proper supplies

1. Organize a checklist of the items you'll need, as well as the tasks that will be required, but make sure to promptly lose track of where you've placed it. If you aren't the forgetful sort, make sure to feed it to your dog.

2. Make a trip to Home Depot to purchase paint brushes and sandpaper, but spend two hours looking at various shades of blue, all of which look exactly alike. Buy a questionable hot dog from the vendor outside and then forget the sandpaper.

3. Return home and realize that existing paint must be sanded off

4. Return to Home Depot to purchase paint scrapers and sandpaper, but don't forget to buy the wrong type of primer.

5. Return home to begin sanding and scraping paint until very large piles of paint chips and dust are formed (no less than 3 inches deep); these may be strategically placed throughout all your rooms as a sign of good luck, and tripping over various piles will ensure that your entire house has nice, even coverage.

6. After picking paint chips out of your dinner and your hair every night for several days, borrow your great aunt's 55 pound power sander from 1963 in order to disperse a very fine mist of hazardous dust throughout your ventilation system as well as the entire neighborhood.

7. Accidentally knock several holes in plaster while scratching your nose and sneezing then accidentally continue project into hallway

8. Discover extensive termite damage after chipping floor tiles with a dropped paint bucket. Spackle over five foot long cracks in shower wall while crossing fingers and humming "I Fought the Law and the Law Won"

9. Discover that previous owner painted over cardboard instead of drywall behind the sink, which has caused water damage to the termite damaged cracks. Spackle over cardboard and holes and termite damaged cracks and any ants that may have wandered out.

10. Don't forget to spackle some more and then spackle when you're done with that.

11. Spackle for good measure

12. Prime one wall and take a break for three weeks so no one thinks they can just go around using your bathroom. Spend the next three weeks picking paint chips out of your dinner and vacuuming your clothing.

13. While hopped up on three cans of Coca-Cola and Excedrin, prime the remaining surfaces and then pass out.

14. Cry

15. Hurriedly splash paint on walls, mirror, floor, medicine cabinet, bathtub, ceiling, light fixtures, and window while leaving attractively random brush bristles embedded for artistic texture.

You have now successfully repainted your bathroom.

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Blogger joe positive said...

when spackle forsakes you, seek out your one true friend...bondo.

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could of course call your friend first who owns a paint manufacturing facility for advice.........or free pain

5:32 AM  
Blogger NPR Junky said...

You've now just made my life complete. I needed these; what a service you've provided humanity!

Onward and Upward!


3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and then realize the color is all wrong, it doesn't match the rest of the house which you should start painting if you want your life pulled together. Then follow steps again.

12:16 PM  
Blogger Leo said...

Damn, I've been going about it all wrong, except for forgetting to buy or buying wrong stuff at the store - I am an expert in that department. And what on earth is spackle?

3:01 AM  
Blogger ana said...

lovely blog!

11:36 PM  
Blogger Tor Hershman said...

I just read your post about hating Xmas carols sooooooo here's a song for you

4:50 PM  

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