Happy Thanksgiving!

The Novelist's Dilemma

Now that I've become a bona fide mystery novelist, I've run into an interesting dilemma.



And no, it has nothing to do with killing off my characters, as I've already come up with various methods of getting that done (deadly vipers, bombs, exotic poisons, etc.)

No, my dilemma is this:
Everyone knows that even a halfway competent writer is required to have some sort of horrible psychological and/or medical problem.
* to wit:

1. Johnathan Swift: nicknamed the "mad parson", was obsessed with counting and bodily functions, in his old age his manservant showed him off to the public for a small fee

2. Hans Christian Andersen: hypochondriac, constantly carried a coil of rope for fear of being caught in a hotel fire

3. James Joyce: an underwear fetishist who kept a small set of "doll's knickers" in his pocket and pulled them out at parties

4. Marcel Proust: wrote most of his novels while lying in bed in a room lined with cork, had a sexual fixation with butchers, pierced live rats with hat pins

5. Samuel Johnson: apparently suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and hypochondria, was unable to tell time by reading a clock



I have come to the conclusion that, in order to be published, I must acquire some sort of eccentric malady. Asthma doesn't quite seem to fit the bill, so perhaps I should cultivate a fear of staplers or squeegees?


I shall ponder the question.... because I am sick of looking at my horrible novel.


* information retrieved from The Mammoth Book of Oddballs and Eccentrics by Karl Shaw

The Five Stages of Writing a NaNoWriMo Novel...

courtesy of Robot Chicken!

NaNoWriMo: the saga continues

Well, my "novel" is getting to be even more and more dreadful with each passing day. My characters are all being annoying, getting drunk and running around doing perfectly ridiculous things like playing the fiddle or breeding prize-winning chickens.

In revenge, I have called them completely inappropriate names and forced them to eat haggis for dinner every night. I may also have to start killing off more of them, just on general principles.

When I'm finally finished, I would advise people to completely avoid reading it.

But at least it can be used to help maintain good posture, if nothing else.

Off to a late start, but...

I've changed my mind and decided to participate in NaNoWriMo after all.



And I'm certainly not going to let the lack of little things like experience and high quality writing stand in my way!

So far, we're five days into the contest and I haven't written a thing-- but I have high hopes for this afternoon. I'm supposed to have a minimum of 50,000 words by midnight on November 3oth.

I have almost everything an aspiring young writer needs:
1. a computer
2. loads of caffeine
3. a dictionary/thesaurus
4. fresh berries, chocolate, and cheese
5. fuzzy socks to wear

The only things lacking are:
1. a cat or two
2. a charming and handsome proofreader
3. millions and millions of dollars
4. a great whacking big yacht
5. a case of champagne

I am tracking my progress here, a temporary blog I've set up for the month

I will still do regular posts here in November, just not as frequently.

Wish me luck!

Random_Speak: the Next Generation!

As everyone knows perfectly well, November 1st marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo. *However, I've decided to refrain from inflicting a perfectly dreadful novel on the blog-reading public this year. I'll just inflict a perfectly dreadful blog post instead.


Meet Björn and Gretchen.

Britta, Lars, Bill and I were oozing our way through the Ripley's Believe It Or Not! museum, when we decided to use their image-morphing booth to see what offspring we would produce. Björn, the Swedish crack baby, is the love child of Lars and Britta, who decided to break off their relationship immediately afterwards. Gretchen is the three year old transvestite produced in a lab using Bill's and my genetic material and a faulty syringe.

Björn apparently has a bit of a problem with wetting the bed and biting strangers, but luckily his parents are taking him to a competent psychiatrist. Despite the sociopathic personality, he seems to be adjusting well to his absolutely enormous forehead and that horrible shirt he's wearing. In addition to his fashionable Yoda-like ears, Björn also has twelve toes, which makes him quite a hit with the ladies.

Gretchen, quite sadly, is as bald as a billiard ball, but has taken to wearing rather luxurious wigs. Although her promiscuous behaviour can be rather trying at times, her winning personality and prehensile tail make her quite popular at parties. In addition to being the latest accordion prodigy, she spends her time obsessing over staples and toothpaste.

We plan to introduce the two youngsters at an appropriate age so they can begin breeding the future alien-human hybrid race as soon as possible.


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* Check out the hilarious NaNoWriMo forums! Ha ha ha ha! I love them! Here are just a few of the latest topics -- and they're only on day 2! I MUST participate next year.

"I need a brand new deadly virus! Can you help me think of one?"
"How do you get in contact with the underworld?"
"Knitting or weaving with cat hair"
"What mental condition do these symptoms sound like?"
"Stab wound recovery"
"Anyone on Resperidone?"
"Flooding Manhatten"
"What would happen if you ate only coconuts?"
"names for a hedgehog"
"how big an asteroid do you need to kill humanity?"
"more meth questions"
"so, if I throw a dart at your artificial leg"
"Plot outlined, not enough sex?"
"What the hell would be in a kitchen in the year 600 AD?"