Monday, January 31, 2005

Monet For The Third Time... I Decide To Have A Midlife Crisis...

Went to the Monet exhibit for the third time yesterday; he's still dead.

* * *

I actually did have a rather good birthday, though: donned my favorite Mad Hatter Tea Party outfit and trotted over to Sunday brunch with the whole famn damily. Among other delightful things, I received a nice squashy pair of jammies and some lovely hand-stitched antique linens. Later, my friend Cynthia baked a terribly tasty pineapple upside-down cake, and a few others took me to Tokyo Sushi, where the friendly staff fed me a charming little "birthday fish" and admired my hat.

32 isn't quite so bad after all, but I have decided to have a midlife crisis anyway as it Seems The Thing To Do. I have narrowed my crisis down to several popular options, but have yet to make a choice... I am notoriously wishy-washy about these sorts of things.

*** Crisis Options ***

1.) I begin to wear Inappropriate Clothing and frequent seedy establishments where I meet a forty year old unwashed biker named Steve. Steve prominently displays several large prison tattoos, among which are a skull and dagger, a poorly rendered Marilyn Monroe and a rather large heart that spells M-O-M. Steve is wanted by the local police, the F.B.I., the C.I.A. and the Canadian Mounties. Despite his lurid past and his limited fashion sense, I decide to elope with Steve and raise his three children from a previous marriage to a Grateful Dead groupie named Charlene.

2.) I begin to question my spirituality and join a smallish sort of cult that specializes in a rather odd combination of Apocalyptic fundamentalism and nature worship (mainly trees). While I have trouble reconciling the conflicting aspects of the group's doctrine, I continue to be mesmerized by their charismatic cult leader and his views on the spiritual benefits of fruit. I renounce all my wordly possessions, shave my head and begin to wear unfashionable polyester robes that chafe during the summer months. I continue to attend family functions, but spend my time unsuccessfully trying to convert everyone to the "Way of Zoltar".

3.) I spontaneously quit my job, as it doesn't leave me room to Be Free. I then liquidate all my assets and embark on a wild spending and gambling spree in Las Vegas, where I party with a group of drunken Elvis impersonators attending the local convention. Although I win pots of money at blackjack during the first night at Caesar's Palace, I spend most of it on tequila and cocaine, after which I lose the rest during a game of craps at Circus Circus. The remainder of my Vegas trip is spent throwing up and dodging a loan shark enforcer named Rocco.

4.) I embark on an exciting life of crime, beginning with small-time shoplifting and graduating to full blown armed robbery while wearing a fashionable ninja costume. I remain successful for quite some time, until being ratted out by a nervous little stool pigeon named Edgar. While Edgar is responsible for my reaching number 7 on the F.B.I.'s Most Wanted list, I fortunately evade capture and retire to a small villa in Singapore, where I become a model citizen and write a best-selling memoir.

5.) I join a gang and taunt beefy policemen.


*** Additional Suggestions Welcome ***

19 Comments:

Blogger Frally said...

I'd pick door number 3.

I just wanted to say that's a rather fetching picture of you on your sidebar. Was that the hat that inspired admiration from the wait-staff? I can see why.

5:11 AM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

CLEARLY you are in need of some assistance in this area! I shall ponder this today and come up with a few helpful suggestions for you.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Jim Bliss said...

Have to go with Frally on this. Number 3 is definitely the way to go.

And don't worry none about Rocco. If that damn lowlife gives you any trouble, just tell him you know all about the job that went sour down in Toledo. And if he don't want no Feds breathing down his scrawny neck, then he better treat associates of Mr. Bliss with a bit more fricking respect.

3:08 PM  
Blogger L said...

The picture on sidebar, while it does resemble me, is NOT me-- she only WISHES that her hat could be as cute as mine.

I suppose popped it on the sidebar since I don't currently have a pic of me and a hat...

6:26 PM  
Blogger theomorph said...

Mmm...midlife criiiiiiisis... *Homer gurgle*

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

6) First of all, I will take a spectacular picture of you in a wonderfully ginormous Four Weddings and a Funeral hat that is so big you have to turn sideways to get through the door way... and then we will visit Auntie Lola in Key West and run about the city wreaking havoc and stopping only to nibble on delicious little oysters, fruits, and things of that sort. Perhaps you'll meet a handsome, rich, intelligent, well mannered, and interesting bachelor who just happens to be looking for a beautiful, artistic, intelligent, charming, quick witted and slightly clumsy 32 year old girl to spoil... Or we could just people watch and nibble on oysters some more...

It could be my quarter life crisis, and your very early mid-life crisis, if you'd like.

-Your Delinquent Little Sister

6:50 PM  
Blogger Mr Anigans said...

i was always under the impression that 40 was when you had a your mid-life crisis. crap...i have to go get a fast car now and some bimbos. i hate being caught unprepared.

also, #3 was my first choice, but then #4 also has a certain appeal.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

Ok, L... First of all, one midlife crisis is never enough. Therefor, if you do it all the first time around you have nothing to look forward to the next time. After all, "midlife" is such an inocuous term that it allows for a broad range of interpretation. One must savor every delightful moment of a good midlife crisis. Making the decision is a good first step. Make it your own, make it unique, and make it fun, and make it last!

Shame on your Mum for including this in your upbringing!

7:40 PM  
Blogger Dena said...

Daammit. I missed mine! I'm still 32...not too late.
I like door number 3.

7:41 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

I meant ... shame on your Mum for NOT including this in your upbringing! Sorry about the typo

7:43 PM  
Blogger John Q. Public said...

L, I'll make you a deal - if you should happen to choose #2, I'll go with you. There's a lot to be said for worshipping trees, and accosting strangers with propaganda espousing the "Ways of Zoltar" is right up my alley.

8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Check out the "appreciate the cheese" blog

9:43 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

http://athec.blogspot.com/2005/01/bea-arthur-makes-me-happy.html

Great baby picture you'd appreciate

10:06 PM  
Blogger L said...

Well, it looks like #3 is the popular consensus here... I will keep that in mind when I decide to have my midlife crisis.

If I change my mind and go for #2, however, I will be sure to let you know, Average Joe.

Mr Anagins -- if you need bimbos, you should come to Tampa-- there are simply TONS of them where I live. They're a cornerstone of the local industry; without bimbos, the economy would collapse.

Dear, dear Anonymous: I would Love to check out the "appreciate the cheese" blog, and I've Tried to check out the "appreciate the cheese", but alas, I cannot find the "appreciate the cheese" blog....

10:11 PM  
Blogger L said...

ah... thank you anonymous/rhodent. That is indeed the angriest baby in the world.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

We had better be careful or this could turn into a Wormwood/Screwtape commentary.

Oh, I will send you copies of the brunch pictures so that you may have a picture of your hat!

8:58 AM  
Blogger Mr Anigans said...

Check...now i gotta plan!

7:03 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

I love many of Monet's work since I was young. OOPs I mentioned age in your crisis post. Sorry you're going through this. Uh, seems rather young for a "mid-life crisis". Average age to live is much beyond 64! Hmm: you want suggestions: Chocolate, a splurge at the bookstore, and the company of those who adore you and make you laugh works 4me. (Just wipe those hands off of choco before paging through the delish new books.;)

5:13 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Happy extremely belated 32 Birthday to you.
I think you should marry Prince Charles and live in England and have children with huge noses and wear hats every day and then divorce him and go on tour and then perhaps get really fat and use Jenny Craig to lose weight and then market your weight loss secrets and marry Richard Simmons..
My second choice is your #4..

3:06 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home