Thursday, January 27, 2005

My Parakeets Listen To Death Metal

My deranged parakeets (Egg and Napkin) made a successful jailbreak last night as I was giving them a new toy. I had to suffer through random buzzings and dive bombings as they attempted to land without getting caught. And of course they kept trying to poop all over my new furniture; they have made it quite clear that they question my taste in living arrangements.

They finally tired of flying at 1:06 a.m., which is when they started stomping around my apartment. Loudly. Until about 4:00. You wouldn't think that two tiny parakeets can stomp around and make such a horrible racket, but they can.

I know I shouldn't have bought used birds (especially adults) from a pet store, but they were SO cute I couldn't resist them -- and How Could You Go Wrong With Starter Pets?, the friendly salesperson assured me.

Unfortunately, Egg and Napkin loathe me with a virulence unheard of outside Middle Eastern politics. I'm always buying them new toys; I talk to them; I bought them a bird bath; they get Time Outside The Cage; I give them a wide variety of seed, pellets, fruit and treats. Yet they still get an unholy glint in their eyes whenever they see me, because those adorably rotten little fiends are possessed by the Devil. If I come anywhere near, they scream hysterically and give themselves fits.

I've even tried playing soothing music for them (they detest country western), but it is quite obvious that they have been listening to Hatebeak behind my back. For anyone who is so uncool as to be unfamiliar with Hatebeak, it is a death metal band formed of two humans and one African Grey parrot named Waldo. The humans play guitar and drums; Waldo screams very loudly, as all good death-metal singers are wont to do.

Hatebeak has released two albums, for anyone who is interested:
1. Beak of Putrefaction
2. God of Empty Nest

And Coming Soon from Reptilian Records:
1. Bird Seeds of Vengeance
2. Bird Bites, Dog Cries
3. Feral Parrot

I would buy Egg and Napkin a couple of T-shirts that say "Hatebeak" or perhaps "I Heart Satan"-- but no one sells them in exra-extra-extra-extra teeny tiny.


Blogger Kay said...

This was much funnier when I thought you were making it up! Then I clicked on the link and it just seemed pathetic in an almost dirty kind of way.

Parakeets are indeed strange creatures. Not the kind of pets if you want love from your animals.

12:52 AM  
Blogger Frally said...

Unfortunately, I am that uncool that I have heard of Hatebeak. You might possibly beat me in uncoolness by owning two birds and having a Hatebeak album in your possession.

1:14 AM  
Blogger L said...

I actually did have a cockatiel before, and he was nice to me (but no one else) despite his previous abusive situation.

My two parakeets, though, were purchased as unsocialized adults. They're really quite cute, but I don't think they will ever be friendly towards people. I'm not sure what else to do, since I've tried socializing them, and I give them regular play time outside their cage...

6:48 PM  
Blogger L said...

I don't actually own a Hatebeak album, but I think the concept is hysterical :)

6:49 PM  

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