Monet For the Second Time and a Bit of Texas Hold 'Em Poker
I took my second trip to the Monet exhibit yesterday. You will be glad to know that all the paintings are still there.
***
In the evening, Kathie and Brandt invited a bunch of us over for a thrilling night of Texas Hold 'Em Poker, which I had absolutely no idea how to play. In fact, I have no idea WHY the game is called Texas Hold 'Em, since apparently no one is actually supposed to hold their cards or even look at them for more than 0.2 seconds. After careful and painstaking observation, I have compiled a list of official rules for the game:
1. Keep your cards face down and don't actually look at them unless forced. In fact, don't touch your cards at all until everyone's had a few drinks or decides to go bowling. If someone else looks at their cards before having a drink, demand a reshuffle.
2. Wear sunglasses that are actually too dark to see anything. If you forgot your sunglasses, develop a poker face that makes you look like a constipated accountant or a stuffed frog.
3. Throughout each hand, stare suspiciously at your neighbors and mutter under your breath.
4. Intimidate people with your massive piles of chips. If you don't have massive piles of chips, try cheating.
5. Make sure at least one person spills wine or beer on the felt. This is considered Good Luck.
6. Shuffle badly. When others shuffle, demand that they reshuffle. Shuffle again for good measure.
7. Pepper your conversations with Official Poker Terminology like all-in, belly buster, little blind, big blind, flop, flush, outs and nuts. You don't actually have to know what they mean, and you will sound very impressive when you lose your shirt.
Incorrect usage: "Nuts! I forgot to flush the toilet! I must be a little blind. And now my wife and I are on the outs."
Correct usage: "You are acting a little blind tonight; if you are hoping for a flush, you are absolutely nuts. Hey, let's go outside for a smoke before the next hand!"
8. Make hasty accusations and don't forget to loudly ask people what cards they're holding.
9. Give very bad advice to newer players. Encourage them to fold when they should raise; pressure them to raise when they should fold. If you don't know what a fold or a raise is, then you are a newer player and everyone else is giving you very bad advice.
10. If you win, gloat. If you lose, try whining a bit.
We actually had to start rather late because Hempy was lost for at least an hour and a half. We finally started without him, but he would periodically call to let us know that he was lost: "Hey! I'm on Nebraska now, where do I turn?", "Hey guys, it's me again. Are you near Columbus?", and "Hey! Where's the house again? I'm somewhere north of Hillsborough.."
After Hempy finally arrived, it was his turn to deal-- so we accidentally had an impromptu game of 52 card pick-up after he spazzed out while shuffling and flung the deck all over the floor. At least when I shuffle, I spaz out and fling the cards all over the FELT.
As the hours passed, everyone started pouring progressively weirder cocktails with increasingly ghastly garnishes (salamis and olives, pickles and cheese, olives and cheese and grapes...). This was obviously Bad Luck, because I lost everything; however, I lost very Stylishly as I was wearing a charming little outfit and drinking something quite, quite tiny. Or maybe it's the other way around; I'm too tired to remember.
My best hand of the evening was a pair of aces with a pair of eights, but I LOST to Heath's flush, which made me want to spit out scatalogical jokes of course -- only I didn't (partially because I am a Lady, but mostly because I couldn't remember any good ones, dammit).
***
I spent most of today waiting for the furniture delivery men to NOT deliver my new furniture. This was after I took all morning to MOVE ALL MY OTHER FURNITURE for them. Because that's how thoughtful I am.
I am QUITE perturbed. I will now watch The Man Who Knew Too Much and Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell, because I absolutely REFUSE to do anything constructive for the remainder of the day.
***
In the evening, Kathie and Brandt invited a bunch of us over for a thrilling night of Texas Hold 'Em Poker, which I had absolutely no idea how to play. In fact, I have no idea WHY the game is called Texas Hold 'Em, since apparently no one is actually supposed to hold their cards or even look at them for more than 0.2 seconds. After careful and painstaking observation, I have compiled a list of official rules for the game:
1. Keep your cards face down and don't actually look at them unless forced. In fact, don't touch your cards at all until everyone's had a few drinks or decides to go bowling. If someone else looks at their cards before having a drink, demand a reshuffle.
2. Wear sunglasses that are actually too dark to see anything. If you forgot your sunglasses, develop a poker face that makes you look like a constipated accountant or a stuffed frog.
3. Throughout each hand, stare suspiciously at your neighbors and mutter under your breath.
4. Intimidate people with your massive piles of chips. If you don't have massive piles of chips, try cheating.
5. Make sure at least one person spills wine or beer on the felt. This is considered Good Luck.
6. Shuffle badly. When others shuffle, demand that they reshuffle. Shuffle again for good measure.
7. Pepper your conversations with Official Poker Terminology like all-in, belly buster, little blind, big blind, flop, flush, outs and nuts. You don't actually have to know what they mean, and you will sound very impressive when you lose your shirt.
Incorrect usage: "Nuts! I forgot to flush the toilet! I must be a little blind. And now my wife and I are on the outs."
Correct usage: "You are acting a little blind tonight; if you are hoping for a flush, you are absolutely nuts. Hey, let's go outside for a smoke before the next hand!"
8. Make hasty accusations and don't forget to loudly ask people what cards they're holding.
9. Give very bad advice to newer players. Encourage them to fold when they should raise; pressure them to raise when they should fold. If you don't know what a fold or a raise is, then you are a newer player and everyone else is giving you very bad advice.
10. If you win, gloat. If you lose, try whining a bit.
We actually had to start rather late because Hempy was lost for at least an hour and a half. We finally started without him, but he would periodically call to let us know that he was lost: "Hey! I'm on Nebraska now, where do I turn?", "Hey guys, it's me again. Are you near Columbus?", and "Hey! Where's the house again? I'm somewhere north of Hillsborough.."
After Hempy finally arrived, it was his turn to deal-- so we accidentally had an impromptu game of 52 card pick-up after he spazzed out while shuffling and flung the deck all over the floor. At least when I shuffle, I spaz out and fling the cards all over the FELT.
As the hours passed, everyone started pouring progressively weirder cocktails with increasingly ghastly garnishes (salamis and olives, pickles and cheese, olives and cheese and grapes...). This was obviously Bad Luck, because I lost everything; however, I lost very Stylishly as I was wearing a charming little outfit and drinking something quite, quite tiny. Or maybe it's the other way around; I'm too tired to remember.
My best hand of the evening was a pair of aces with a pair of eights, but I LOST to Heath's flush, which made me want to spit out scatalogical jokes of course -- only I didn't (partially because I am a Lady, but mostly because I couldn't remember any good ones, dammit).
***
I spent most of today waiting for the furniture delivery men to NOT deliver my new furniture. This was after I took all morning to MOVE ALL MY OTHER FURNITURE for them. Because that's how thoughtful I am.
I am QUITE perturbed. I will now watch The Man Who Knew Too Much and Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell, because I absolutely REFUSE to do anything constructive for the remainder of the day.
posted by L at 4:26 PM
8 Comments:
Your account of Texas Hold 'Em Poker gave me my laugh for the day. Thanks!
Perhaps I didn't make a Monet joke out of respect.... he's dead, Jim.
(okay, I will try to keep all nerdy sci fi references to a minimum from now on)
I also suck a card games, Ms. Vile. But I bet I could kick almost anyone's ass at Scrabble!
I meant that I suck AT card games. I really wasn't TRYING to be obscene.
I used to know a girl who sucked at card games. She was always a welcome addition to the party.
Your post was very funny, L, but the bad joke prize goes to... envelope, please... Jim Bliss for "Monet for Nothing!
Remeber L, if you are out of Monet, you must be Baroque!
P.S. I'd love to go with you to see the Monet exhibit! ;o)
Your account of the rules of Hold-Em was great! Personally, I play poker quite frequently both online and with living people. I do much better when I'm in the same room with other people, but I could never figure out why... That is, until you alluded to the stuffed frog. As I try out my poker face in the mirror now, and think back on the one stuffed frog I've ever seen, I must say that I note a striking resemblance. Now I know the reason for my poker success, and I also have a new-found appreciation for my taxidermically-modified amphibious Doppleganger. I must now find him and confront him. Anyhow, thanks.
you are quite welcome
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