Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I Am In Love

I have met the man I want to marry, and he is a quietly attractive box of Chocolate Covered Enrobed Milano Distinctive (Limited Edition) Cookies. Not only is he short, dark and handsome, but he is also Incredibly Rich. I have just received his rather romantic proposal by the azaleas in my front yard, and we are discussing an Elopement. But can we live on my salary alone? What will the neighbors say? And will my family ever accept the fact that he contains ninety calories per serving?

Pros
1. He never nags me to take out the garbage.
2. He always listens when I talk about my day.
3. He makes me feel better when I'm sad.
4. He has a nice package.
5. He freezes well.

Cons
1. He won't take out the garbage.
2. He isn't a very good communicator.
3. He seems emotionless at times.
4. He may be habit-forming.
5. He only comes in a Limited Edition


Ode To A Box Of Cookies
Whene'er I view this form of thine,
Its chocolate begs a fervent kiss;
Yet I forego that joy divine,
O Cookie, with thy sugared bliss!

Whene'er I dream of riches sweet,
Thy forms in my thoughts gently dance,
Thou art all I wish'd to eat;
I Suffer in a cookie trance.

O Fair Cookie! I knew thee well,
Thy richness surely stole my gaze;
Thy sweetness truly doth compel
Me to eat you all my days.


Well, I'm quite sure that's enough. I'm obviously suffering from some sort of sugar overload; I can feel it coursing through my veins as we speak...

And, I bet no one else can write poetry as terrible as mine-- unless it's a twelve year old angsty version of me.

9 Comments:

Blogger John Q. Public said...

L, this is the best post I've run across in at least two weeks.

You are brilliant.

11:01 PM  
Blogger L said...

I think maybe I was just hungry...

11:08 PM  
Blogger the frog princess said...

L, i think I love you.
Christen's not too happy, but at least he's got me.
I'll take the orange milanos off your hands, please.
And maybe the mint ones.
Any minis?

11:15 PM  
Blogger theomorph said...

Any time I hear somebody talking about Loving foods or inanimate objects, all I can think of is an episode of Pee-Wee's Playhouse that I saw when I was a kid. Pee-Wee the Perv had a little bowl of fruit salad or something, and he said something like, "I love this fruit salad so much that I want to marry it!" Then one of his bizarre sidekick puppet people said something like, "Then why don't you?" So they had a ceremony and put a little veil on the fruit salad and everything. Now, thanks to the magic of memory, I will probably remember that forever.

Also, I will always remember the day when my mother and my aunt were speaking in what can only be called "hushed tones" about Pee-Wee's little, um, misadventure. You can be sure I wasn't thinking "What? That nice man who married his fruit salad did something naughty in public? Nooooooo!" Ha. (I mean, "Oh, so funny I forgot to laugh!")

Don't forget, boys and girls, Mekka Lekka Hi-Mekka Hiney Ho! And drink your Ovaltine. I'll see you tomorrow, neighbor.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

What a smart girl! You have truly made something out of nothing.
Oooooh, cookies.

12:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

L darling,
We need to talk. Your future husband, that quietly attractive box of Chocolate Enrobed Milano Distinctive (Limited Edition) cookies, hasn't been faithful. You see, he and I have had an affair... It was short, sweet and passionate... and then he left me. Alone, with no milk in the refridgerator and little cookie crumbles on my desk. ::sighs:: It was good while it lasted...

Your Favorite Little Sister,
Ally

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:12 PM  
Blogger L said...

thank you frog princess; I will share my cookies with you

theo-- this actually was a reference to the old elementary school joke -- I had forgotten that Pee Wee had used it, though :)

Sorry about the comment removal, guys -- SOMEONE used my real name. I have reposted her comment with just my initial. (Ally-Brat, you are forgiven if you wear a Large Hat to brunch with me on Sunday. I scrapped the Vinoy-- BAR is taking us to the yacht club)

6:19 PM  

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