The Latest News from Wall Street

Well, this has been quite the volatile week for investors as China's stock market crashed and the Dow posted its largest single day loss in over six years-- all after a steep drop in reporting on the death of Anna Nicole Smith.

However, to the relief of all concerned, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has informed the U.S. Congress that the financial markets appear to be functioning normally again. "After a brief period of uncertainty," he stated, "we seem to be back to our typical state of affairs, where investors and traders act like a bunch of crazed lemmings. Despite these drastic market losses, we hope to see additional speculation and irresponsible over-enthusiasm about the economy as people gamble wildly and scheme to get rich quickly." To clarify matters, he added: "of course, we could also see continued losses and eventual recession because the average American is living off credit cards and now owes approximately $2,987,6543.34 per person-- but we really have no idea."

Despite Bernanke's reassuring comments, the stock market threatened to take another dive today after Ted Baker of 3124 Oakhurst Avenue accidentally spilled hot coffee on his new tie. However, the late afternoon saw a strong rally as the weather forecast for a 75% chance of showers proved to be completely unfounded. As a result, a number of traders had to be restrained and sedated for their own protection.

Based on this week's events, strategists and analysts predict that investors should always be prepared for the fact that earnings, rapid growth, inflation, profits, the economy, losses, derivatives, hedge funds, bar graphs, equities, variable annuities, statistics, bananas, dividends, percentages, the S&P 500, unit investment trusts, roller skates, accrued income, time-weighted rates of return and pie charts continue to exist and are all somehow related to each other in a manner that involves lots and lots and lots of money.

"We're hopeful that once the markets settle down, the average investor will continue to invest in various investments," stated Edward Mankowski, a major financial expert associated with the Institute of Concerned-Looking Economists. "However, investor confidence remains shaky as the death of another well-endowed celebrity could possibly cause additional market losses that put us right over the edge at any moment. As our economy depends quite heavily on the existence of breasts, this will, of course, remain an area of concern."

How soon we forget

As I perused the latest news today, I was struck dumb with disbelief by the obsessive attention being paid to such a petty and inconsequential event as the Academy Awards. Article after article analyzed, ad nauseum, the endless parade of incredibly expensive gowns, the meaningless debate over fashionable trends, and the seemingly limitless Oscar bounty of free luxury goods and designer "swag".

Shouldn't we, as a society, feel ashamed?

Where is the outrage, the damning critique of the cynical excess oozing from the television? While we sit mesmerized, feverishly engrossed in the opulent display, we seem to forget the fact that the "real" news is forgotten-- news that has a real impact on our lives, as well as the lives of those around us. While we continue to dissect the artificial spectacle that is Hollywood congratulating itself, we overlook the stories that are truly important-- the stories that really matter to our society and the rest of the world.

Have we forgotten that it was only 16 days ago that the most influential Playboy centerfold of our time collapsed in a hotel room? How soon we abandon the tragedy of the beautiful jeans model, the pneumatic bride of the senile billionaire, the struggling reality-show star, the ultimately tragic mother! Her voluptuous surgical enhancements, the courtroom drama, the public meltdowns, the volatile weight loss, the great big whopping gobs of cash -- they were an inspiration to us all. But her story is already being forgotten as the fight over her burial, her daughter and her millions is relegated to an abbreviated article squeezed between two underwear ads on page 8.

While our fickle society gravitates toward the superficial celebrity awards and delights in the post mortem on red carpet madness, the more important post mortem is ignored; the motives of the men claiming paternity are no longer examined in excruciating detail; the breathless reporting on prescription drug use and illness is now silent, the all-too-brief life of tragedy neglected.

How have we come to this?