The Latest News from Wall Street

Well, this has been quite the volatile week for investors as China's stock market crashed and the Dow posted its largest single day loss in over six years-- all after a steep drop in reporting on the death of Anna Nicole Smith.

However, to the relief of all concerned, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has informed the U.S. Congress that the financial markets appear to be functioning normally again. "After a brief period of uncertainty," he stated, "we seem to be back to our typical state of affairs, where investors and traders act like a bunch of crazed lemmings. Despite these drastic market losses, we hope to see additional speculation and irresponsible over-enthusiasm about the economy as people gamble wildly and scheme to get rich quickly." To clarify matters, he added: "of course, we could also see continued losses and eventual recession because the average American is living off credit cards and now owes approximately $2,987,6543.34 per person-- but we really have no idea."

Despite Bernanke's reassuring comments, the stock market threatened to take another dive today after Ted Baker of 3124 Oakhurst Avenue accidentally spilled hot coffee on his new tie. However, the late afternoon saw a strong rally as the weather forecast for a 75% chance of showers proved to be completely unfounded. As a result, a number of traders had to be restrained and sedated for their own protection.

Based on this week's events, strategists and analysts predict that investors should always be prepared for the fact that earnings, rapid growth, inflation, profits, the economy, losses, derivatives, hedge funds, bar graphs, equities, variable annuities, statistics, bananas, dividends, percentages, the S&P 500, unit investment trusts, roller skates, accrued income, time-weighted rates of return and pie charts continue to exist and are all somehow related to each other in a manner that involves lots and lots and lots of money.

"We're hopeful that once the markets settle down, the average investor will continue to invest in various investments," stated Edward Mankowski, a major financial expert associated with the Institute of Concerned-Looking Economists. "However, investor confidence remains shaky as the death of another well-endowed celebrity could possibly cause additional market losses that put us right over the edge at any moment. As our economy depends quite heavily on the existence of breasts, this will, of course, remain an area of concern."