Sunday, May 06, 2007

Pardon me, but your Freudian Slip is showing...

During the past couple of days, I have heard from more than a few highly disturbed people desperately seeking psychological help. Below is the summary of each case study focusing specifically on dreams, along with our expert analysis.

Negative Guy : "As for a dream.. Well, I recently dreamed that for xmas, someone gave me a small gift wrapped box. I unwrapped it, and saw that it was a jewelry box. But when I opened the jewelry box, it wasnt jewelry inside but a horrible prosthetic eyeball! What can that mean??"

The patient is experiencing a repressed gender-identity disorder, symbolized by the empty jewelry box, but also appears to be suffering from penis envy, an Oedipal complex, hysteria, projection, crankiness, displacement and various obsessional neuroses relating to clowns. It is recommended that the patient begin using cocaine immediately. Feather boas should be kept out of reach.

From : "I believe I already told you about a recent dream in which I was visited by the Angel of Death in the form of a puppy. The dream closed with the puppy, perhaps a spaniel, whispering to me in Latin before I saw my own tombstone and woke up. Frightening!"

The patient is experiencing severe hallucinations resulting from hysteria and penis envy as a result of sublimation, repression and compensation. While hallucinations combined with split personality disorders such as this are extremely rare, it is not surprising due to the patient's unhealthy obsessions with tater tots and grasshoppers. A assortment of red pills, blue pills, pink pills and green pills is highly recommended here.

Irene : "This one is easy: I was unceremoniously dumped by my husband for a 22-year-old nondescript blonde hostess from Bella Brava. Oh yeah she was d-u-m as a doorknob too, natch."

This patient is experiencing a massive sociopathic breakdown involving hysteria and the suppression of the unconscious. In fact, the patient has actually become unconsicous previously as a result of too much tequila and sunburn. In addition, the patient suffers from penis envy and castration anxiety relating to a recently-diagnosed phobia of cheese. Recent displays of antisocial behaviour include streaking, roller skating, and playing the banjo. Medication is strongly recommended in this case.

-C : "I often have dreams that I am a contestant on some twisted reality t.v game show scavenger hunt. I am always sent off with a list of odd items (carved lizards, lamps, fuzzy dice, bronzed sea shells, etc.), and I have to find them and bring them back to a specified location before my competition. Most recently I dreamt I had to cut open a talking fish while on a Huck Finn raft in order to find one of the items. the fish kept taunting me and telling me that the whole scavenger hunt just an audition to be on the "real" reality show, and he could tell me how to dazzle the judges. I told him to shut up, and sliced his belly open. Oh, L, do tell me precisely what is wrong with me!"

The Patient is suffering from penis anxiety and castration envy, symbolized by the act of cutting open a talking fish. In addition, an acute case of hysteria has been detected, as well as a deeply pathological psychological projection relating to lizards and lamps. For a patient so profoundly insane, we recommend electric shock therapy combined with a very stiff drink. Of course, immediate institutionalization is a must.

Mr. Anigans : "Here is the dream. There was a pain, in the back of my neck. It was dull and throbbing but would occasionally be punctuated by a sharp stab. I didn't know what it was and at some point I had it either surgically or magically removed. Later the pain came back but was located in the small of my back. Now I was able to turn and see it a little bit. There was a bony metal enmeshed protrusion pushing it's way out of my skin. I didn't know what it was but it was alien and it hurt and it gave me access to cable TV. please tell me L, what is wrong with me?"

This patient is just plain nuts.

ordinarygirl : "Last night I dreamed that a horrible little baby was running through a restaurant dipping itself in the sour cream and salsa on everyone's tables. It wasn't until after I exclaimed, "What a rude little baby!" that I realized I was sitting across from its parents."

This patient is suffering from severe hysteria, a diseased ego, denial, repression, intellectualization, car key displacement and a textbook case of Oedipal complex. A lobotomy combined with constant medication will do much to alleviate these symptoms resulting from a severe childhood accident with a hamster and a rubber band-- but further study may be necessary.

Larry Jones : "In my dream I have gone to New York, and I find myself at Radio City Music Hall about to audition for The Rockettes. I am completely untrained in the art of the dance, and have no qualifications for the job except that I am tall enough. Just as I realize that I am the only auditioner who is not a girl, someone shouts "Places!" and I am pushed out onto a stage with a line of real dancers. I squint into the stage lights, and I see the director, who looks like Joseph Stalin, as he glances up from a clipboard and begins to count "...five, six, seven, eight..." Then I wake up. I've been having this dream for months, mostly on Tuesdays."

The patient, after having a highly traumatic experience with an electric train set, began exhibiting symptoms of hysteria and penis envy at an early age. In addition, repression and sublimation are both evident, possibly resulting from a pathological identification with Queen Victoria. Patient is in complete denial about his manic events and related gastrointestinal disorder, so at this point a room with padded walls is the only known treatment for this case.

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Blogger Cap'n Rich said...

My fellow inmates all agreed that you are correct with every diagnosis.

Odds bumpkins! What a bunch of loonies they are..

2:33 AM  
Blogger L said...

I know, right? Anyone who reads this stuff has GOT to have issues :)

10:40 PM  
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2:15 PM  

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