Women: Just What The Heck Are They Anyway?

This year's intense "saturation" coverage of International Women's Day, with the accompanying in-depth media analysis, political soul-searching and ticker tape parades around the globe, led many people to speculate: What do women really want? What do they think? How do they think? And, just what are women, really?

Leading scientists, to some extent, have been studying this pressing issue for years: they've studied women in their native habitat, compiled statistics, drawn complex diagrams with a lot of complicated numbers, classified, quantified, compared various shades of pink... and have generally remained perplexed about the whole thing.

"To a large degree, women appear to be somewhat similar to regular people," stated Dr. Gunther Arschloch, a leading expert on biology. "The typical female, who is between zero and ninety-nine years old, is often seen peforming the same functions as the typical male of the same age in most situations. However," he added, "what we see as typical 'female' characteristics frequently don't correlate to what is defined as normal, human behavior. And this conundrum has remained unsolved -- but perhaps for not much longer. "

"As part of our experiments on this subject," he continued, "we explored various suburban kitchens and shopping malls, which are the natural habitats of 'women'. We had women answer surveys on crying and bonding, we showed them photos of shoes, we asked them about their feelings and we studied their reactions. As the average person will come to realize, this has probably been the first truly thorough research done on this difficult subject. Up until recently, no one knew what, if anything, women thought about at all. However, as we continue to refine our investigations, we feel confident that we will unravel the mystery."

"Also, after we discover what 'women' really are," stated Dr. Arschloch, "we plan further research into other related subjects: 'black women', 'latina women', and 'asian women'. This may involve continued statistical analysis of hotness, as well computations on virgin/whore probability, but it may be too early to tell. At this point, we can only speculate and grade theoretically, much as we've always done."