Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I Embark On A Life Of Crime

This has been a rather distressing week, as I have accidentally embarked on a not-so-exciting life of Crime.

A horribly official officer with grimly chiseled features pulled me over for car tags that were two weeks too late last night; he glowered at me for almost an hour and told me that I could BE ARRESTED AT ANY MOMENT as this was my second offense for being dangerously airheaded.

Not only that, but they showed no record of the late registration fine I paid last year-- so I have to pay it again or I will be ARRESTED. Not only that, but I never showed up for a court date, about which I was never informed-- so I have to reschedule or I could be ARRESTED. Not only that, but their records show that I was in an accident, when I've never actually had one-- so I could also be ARRESTED for an imaginary offense in addition to the actual one.

I have to wait in two lines for eight hours on Monday to clean this up, and I have to go to court in a month or I will be ARRESTED.

I am very upset. I am too cute to go to prison! I am far too sweet and adorable to be someone's prison "bitch"!

At this point I have decided that I probably will be arrested, since that word has burned itself indelibly onto my retinas, like some horrible vision of Charles and Camilla frolicking at a nude beach.

*****

The authorities will stake out my apartment for a few days, nervously chain-smoking and watching me through their hi-tech Super Rambo TS300 Series 6 Ultra night vision goggles. They will have to take shifts, of course, because there are rapists lurking on the streets RIGHT NOW who are less dangerous than I. They will burst open the door with their rifles and their excitingly designed S.W.A.T. team gear. I will then be led away barefoot and wearing a dirty wifebeater shirt (hiding my face) as news crews hover and toothless neighboors jeer and pelt me with oranges.

After I am booked, strip-searched and de-loused I will be placed with other formerly upstanding citizens like Cleopatra, Carmen, Danielle, Rosa, Danielle and Dorothy. We will each get one lumpy infested mattress, but will have to share the single toilet that doesn't actually work. Entertainment will consist solely of aiming spitballs at cockroaches, chalking a makeshift calendar on the wall, and singing uplifting songs like "Nobody Knows...The Trouble I've Seen" while rattling our tin cups against the cold metal bars.

This is really going to suck, because this means I will have to get those nasty prison tattoos (I loathe needles!), and I will have to take up smoking; do you realize what that does to your complexion?! And I'm not coordinated enough to get all the gang signs straight either, which is rather a bother. And I will have to start saying "Motherfucker" every five minutes, or no one will respect me. It's all quite tiresome.

But that's what I get for running afoul of the Hillsborough County penal code....
(ha ha I said "penal")

If the worst does happen, my blogging will be hampered for a while. However, I would welcome whatever care packages anyone would care to send: encoded diagrams for building tunnels, chocolate chip cookies, files, trashy magazines, skeleton keys, money, maps to secret underground lairs, etc.

*****
Don't Forget to check out the Celebrity Mugshots!

*****

16 Comments:

Blogger Ms Vile File said...

Waaaaa... the photo of Carmen made me cry.

Actually, with the smoking and liberal use of the word 'motherfucker', it sounds like I would do quite well in prison. Throw in some gin and tonics, and it would be just like Christmas with my Dear Family.

11:45 PM  
Blogger dayna said...

Not to make light of your situation. But if you had a cell to yourself it might be kind of like a holiday. Meals made for you, catch up on your reading. I always thought jail wouldn't be so bad for a little while. Now with children...I geuss that would suck.

12:05 AM  
Blogger Frally said...

I will send you the hot pinups of sexy boys to cover your tunnel-digging a la Shawshank Redemption.

Now, would you like to start with Johnny Depp, Joaquin Phoenix or Carrot-Top? Hard choice, I know.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Mr Anigans said...

everytime you say Hillsborough my brain lashes out, slaps me around then settles back down when i realize that's not the Hillsborough i live by.

it would be odd to run into someone via blogs that i run into on a daily basis.

brush up on card games like Spades.

12:53 AM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Oh, yeah, you're goin' down. Desperadas like you have to be taken off the streets. I they send you to San Quentin, I can stop in every couple of years.

1:01 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

Don't forget seveal packs of cigarettes. They are like money, you know. ;) They might keep you from being someone's bitch for a while.

That does SUCK that you have to deal with that crap.

11:43 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

If you do end up in prison just think of the great stories you will be able to tell when you get out.
Plus you will have doubled your choices for future potential mates.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Jim Bliss said...

Ignore them and they'll go away. That's always the best solution when it comes to scary-looking insects, children on public transport and bureaucracy of any kind.

Alternatively you could change your name and move to another state. Start over in Sputnemburg, North Dakota. By day you could be mild-mannered Betty-Lou Bletsky, accountant and semi-professional golfer. But by night you'd solve crimes in creative ways whilst helping with the deprogramming of ex-cult members.

Then again... I'm not sure why I should be offering this advice to you. I don't know about all this car registration stuff... but using the phrase "Charles and Camilla frolicking at a nude beach" is clearly a crime worthy of prison.

Cuteness, sweetness and adorability be damned! If you force your readers to conjure that image, then you deserve to have the key thrown at you and the book thrown away.

Or something.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Nyx said...

Funny! I will send an 'Acme Escape From Jail Set'. You may have to strap yourself into dozens of dynamite sticks powering a personal rocket pack by hey, if it works for W. Coyote...

Actually it doesn't does it? Right, I'll send you roadrunner then.

4:15 PM  
Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

I especially liked Rosa - I may have to borrow her for a post, giving you credit for her discovery - of course!

But your story also reminded me of a manic attempt to straighten out my license that took several weeks some years ago. I may have to post about that!

And if you are thrown in the hoosegow - I'm sure that some of your adoring fans (myself included) will guest blog for you, since I'm sure that they're
probably as broke as I am, and can't help with the bail money...

5:26 PM  
Anonymous tickgirl said...

gee, did they even catch on to the fact that your license plate is registered in a county that you don't even reside in? you could get ARRESTED for that too...

7:41 PM  
Blogger Laziest Girl said...

Maybe you need to learn the words to some protest songs too. I can email you the words for "It's a Hard Knock Life" if that would help??

9:27 PM  
Blogger L said...

ms vile: you're right-- that photo really is rather sad.

frally: ooh ooh! Johnny Depp!

mr anigans: it's always so funny to see your avatar -- it looks just like a print I have in my apartment...

happyandblue2: wow! I guess maybe I should TRY to get arrested then... can't really get a date these days, so maybe that WOULD help :)

jim bliss: I think your scenarios are better than mine...

tickgirl: they changed the rules I think, because I asked about that a couple of years ago and they said it was okay...

laziest girl: is that really a protest song? you are pulling my leg.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Dear Traffic Stopper,
Your blog account is arresting. Wondefully creative. I have visions in my head from this and they aren't of sugarplums. (I dont' know you well enough like your friends here to jest with you.) Gr8 post!

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My Mama tried to raise me right, but I refused" :o)

9:23 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

So this was the incident that preceded your piece on the hells of the DMV. Tattoos aren't so bad and if your cellmate is giving it too you, consider it an affirmation of her love for her bitch. Hope all goes well...

3:31 PM  

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