Sunday, February 06, 2005

Super Bowl Sunday, Girls Night Out, Ogling

Yet again I managed to evade all Super Bowl parties and have a lovely day all to myself. No one forced me to eat cheetos and drink warm beer. No one tried to have me discuss scrummages or huddles, and I didn't have to hear about half yard lines, penalty boxes or zones-- yay! I just don't understand football -- the players are always molesting each other, they're constantly holding committee meetings, and they all seem to be in urgent need of a diet. Perhaps the game would interest me if they resembled rugby players rather than enormous buckets of talking lard...

*** Additional Suggestions To Improve The Game ***

1. Give the players weapons. Nothing says raw manliness more than a good swordfight or an exchange of gunfire. Anything larger than a rocket launcher would be verboten, of course.

2. Get rid of the lumpy, concealing uniforms and make them wear decorative loincloths. I guarantee an enormous increase in the female fan base, especially if anything "accidentally" falls off during a particularly rough play.

3. Encourage audience participation by including especially bloodthirsty fans on the field-- perhaps by some sort of lottery selection.

4. Instead of pop music concerts, fill the intermission with monster truck rallies or school bus figure 8 races.


I wouldn't have been able to attend any parties anyway.... I was still catching up on sleep after my Girls' Night Out with Bill and Debbie. They needed a night of ogling, so I was the emergency backup ogler. We ogled lovely Latino waiters when we went out for tapas and sangria; we eyeballed deliciously scruffy artists at the very cool Bask/Tes One art show at Covivant Gallery; we sighed amorously over attractive yuppies at fake Irish pubs.

Overall the evening was a mixed success. I ate delicious brie and berries, hung out with my amusing artsy fartsy friends, was followed by someone with a big face and psychotic notions of flirtation, accidentally insulted someone's teeth, huddled near outdoor space heaters, and was almost run over while jaywalking...

L: "Oh my god-- there's no stop sign.... run!"
(everyone runs, arms and legs flailing)
L: "Oh great, that car full of guys just watched us making total asses of ourselves."
Bill: "Who cares? None of them are going to want to have sex with us anyway"

Stayed up until o'dark thirty and drank coffee at IHOP next to a booth filled with hysterically funny gay men.

And THAT'S why this post is so incoherent.


Blogger Larry Jones said...

Lucky L. I had TWO Superbowl parties, fifty miles apart. At least I was spared watching most of the game, because I was driving.
BTW -- may we assume that you and Debbie AND Bill would have wanted to have sex with a random carload of guys?

3:04 AM  
Blogger John Q. Public said...

L, coming from someone who is certifiably insane, I've gotta tell you: I think you're coming along nicely on the crazy train.

Awesome post.

3:10 AM  
Blogger Frally said...

Even your incoherent posts are sensational reading. :)

I can't get enough of you, L (in a reading way, not a sexy way).

5:25 AM  
Blogger The Doctor said...

1) You could have joined me last night in my mini-bender of the new Battlestar Galactica series. (Ok, I would have snuck peeks at the score during commercial and/or bathroom breaks, but they would've been quick ones.)

2) Comments 2 & 3 suggest you might be more a fan of Austrailian rules football. No loincloths, but they don't wear those namby-pamby shoulder pads. Though for true "audience participation", nothing beats good ol' fashioned UK-football fan hooliganism.

9:49 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

The whole superbowl sunday thing is a bizarre experience because it feels like a small percentage of us is completely separated from the rest of country for 24 hours. Like "maybe I can go loot an electronics store right now and no one would even know" type of feeling. I definitely wouldn't be calling anything related to the football players as namby-pamby. I mean, once walking down a city sidewalk (the wide kind), there were 3 Division 1 (college not even pro) football players walking towards me and no exaggeration, there was no room left on the sidewalk for me nor anyone else!

7:32 PM  
Blogger the frog princess said...

We watched the superbowl at my house, but we had homemade cheese dip, homemade fried chicken fingers and homemade honey mustard. tasty stuff (good thing i love to cook). I started to nod off toward the end, but it's not because i don't like football; on the contrary i've really started getting into it. but i'm not a fan of either team and it was a very unexciting game. they had to give me ice cream to wake me up.

7:37 PM  
Blogger The Doctor said...

Re: Namby-pamby

That was a very loose reference to a comment from an Austrailian rules football player named Jack-O (no relation to the homegrown King of Weirdness). He enjoyed a very brief bit of fame thanks to the Energizer battery commercials (pre-bunny) and a very very bad song (if one must insist on calling it that) called, "Me Brain Hurts"... No, MY brains hurts.

At any rate, ol' Jack-O didn't think much of our version of football due to all the padding. And I think he was crackers enough to actually mean it, after having seen some highlight reel of the hits he'd taken and given.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Frally said...

The Doctor - I remember Jacko. He had that song called "I'm an individual" as well, didn't he?

"I'm an individual, you can't fool me..."

9:09 PM  
Blogger L said...

Larry, in answer to your thought-provoking question: I really cannot answer for Bill and Debbie, but I would have to say no. Can you imagine all the phone calls that would entail? Plus, I could never keep all those phone numbers straight, and men get so Upset when I forget to call...

Average Joe: thank you.

Frally: You are quite charming, but I'm afraid you will have to wait in line behind Jude Law and Johnny Depp...

Glomgold: I went out briefly during the afternoon, and it was like a ghost town!

Frog Princess: you are a stronger woman than I

Doctor: haven't seen Australian rules football, but I think rugby is HOT!

12:30 AM  

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