Thursday, March 29, 2007

Book List (part 1)

As many know, we here at Random_Speak continue to lead the blogosphere in informing the public on art, politics, medicine, sports, and all that science stuff. Of course, literature is no exception, so we are now posting the first in a series of book suggestions for interested readers. Each of these titles is currently available online.

1.Oozing Medical Poems for Kids by Nick Krasner and Bryn Binyard-- We haven't actually read this book yet, but our top reviewers are forced to recommend it highly, based solely on the title. It's probably one of the most valuable gifts you can give your child.

2. How to Avoid Huge Ships by John Trimmer. Generally, the best way to avoid huge ships is to never travel by sea in the first place. However, this book is a necessity for those who cannot avoid this dangerous activity. It is rumored that the author will soon have additional guides in a useful series: How to Avoid Sticking Forks in Electric Sockets and How to Avoid Running with Chainsaws.

3. Highlights in the History of Concrete by C.C. Stanley -- While the history of concrete may not be as popular as the history of wet paint or the history of thumbtacks, it still remains a fascinating subject of study. Here, the armchair historian is treated to a comprehensive introduction to concrete's historical highlights.

4. The Biggest Secret by David Icke-- this truly mind-blowing book reveals the hidden evil of the real-life "matrix": our world is secretly run by extraterrestrial shape-shifting reptiles from the constellation Draco. Members of this reptile class include George W. Bush, Hilary Clinton and Tony Blair, so it's recommended that you pick up a copy right away.

5. Reusing Old Graves by Douglas Davies and Alastair Shaw -- this highly informative "how-to" guide takes all the guesswork out of reusing that old cemetary plot you just have lying around. Recommended for the "do-it-yourself" types.

6. Planet Earth 2000 AD: Will Mankind Survive? by Hal Lindsey-- This thrilling book is truly an anxious cliff-hanger for readers who love to sit on the edge of their seats in suspense. I can't wait to see how it ends.

7. The Gourmet Gator Cookbook. Recipes for people who know their place in the food chain! by Lindy Stevens -- Typically, we wouldn't focus on a cookbook, but this one is clearly a work of genius. Highly recommended for native Floridians or those who wish to move here.

8. How to Be Pope: What to Do and Where to Go Once You're in the Vatican by Piers Marchant -- for those enterprising Catholics who are seriously interested in applying for the Papacy, this handy little reference book explains everything from the papal wave to choosing a new name.

9. Joy of Chickens by Dennis Nolan -- seriously, the title says it all.

10. Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality by Glenn Ellenbogen -- truly an important contribution to contemporary psychiatric research, this book delves seriously into the subject of one of the most disturbed personality types known to man: the vegetarian.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Happy Birthday Crazy Monkey!

Here's a little shout-out to my brother Matt (a.k.a "Tippy the Dog"), who was our resident Rube Goldberg growing up.

Happy Birthday little brother!

Here he is as a wee young whippersnapper having a chat with our little sister, Ally. This is probably around the time he accidentally set the toaster on fire.

Here the three older kids: me, Jason, and Matt. It's hard to believe we weren't making millions as child models! Just look at those charming good looks!

Bonus photo of me and Jason!

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Monday, March 26, 2007

the weather is beautiful-- wish you were here!

The weather is so gorgeous this week that I thought I would celebrate by posting a couple of oldish Florida postcards I found floating around on the AmericanPostcardArt website.

No other images so perfectly capture the smiling eagerness and warmth with which our native inhabitants greet the seasonal visitor-- they perfectly epitomize our state.

Of course, I'm really just saying this because I couldn't find any postcards showing enormous cockroaches, handguns, strip malls, meth addicts, pole dancing, sinkholes, sunburns, dentures, psychics, cocaine, sandspurs or nursing homes.


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yet another post on very odd art....

This seminal masterpiece by Tom Friedman, 1,000 Hours of Staring, was created between 1992 and 1997 and is categorized as being a "stare on paper". Appraised at an approximate value of great big whopping gobs of cash, this blank sheet of paper was stared at by Friedman for one thousand hours over several years.

Not only does this provocative piece raise penetrating questions about how art is seen and made, it also asks in a petulant manner: "Could L also produce a blank sheet of paper and stare at it, thereby resulting in terribly fashionable awards, glowing reviews and lots and lots and lots of money?"

Of course, there are many other things I stare at blankly on a regular basis -- and they could possibly fetch an even more impressive sum than a mere sheet of paper. Not only can I stare at paper, but I can also stare blankly at tofu, pleated pants, junk mail, empty pizza boxes, dirty socks and used kleenex-- all of which I am perfectly willing to auction off to the highest bidder in order to finance a more bohemian lifestyle filled with servants and ponies.

Serious enquiries only please.

* additional odd art pieces may be found in the drop down box under my avatar


Sunday, March 25, 2007


Whether it's a "special carnival designed for gay entertainment or a game party in a home" ... always make sure you invite your gang, include hot chocolate and swell entertainment such as a hat-making contest, which is fun for all.

video originally posted by stantonz


Sounds like Charles has a really, really exciting interview coming up-- but I'm not allowed to say what it is, otherwise I'd have to kill all my readers! Maybe I'll get to say at a later date.... GOOD LUCK Charles, if you read this!

I thought this recent YouTube project of his (a video scavenger hunt) was funny, and some of the responses were pretty cute. He's been trying to foster more community interaction on the site recently.

more YouTube time wasters:

all the Rocky movies in 5 seconds
purple and brown: seagulls
speed painting with ketchup and french fries

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I was TRYING to behave, but.....

.... I accidentally bought a charming used book yesterday while attending Dali Fest with my lovely and earnest friend Brian. It's titled Dali by Dali, and it is an odd little first edition of random full color reproductions interspersed with Salvador Dali's various musings, mostly on himself.

Chapters include such gems as: "The Molecular Dali" and "The Hallucinogenic Dali", among others.

Favorite quotes:
"If someone, even a handsome person, talks to me about horoscopes or asks me under what sign of the zodiac I was born, I never telephone him again. You see how miserly I am and how exceptional my intelligence must be."

"I began a happening in New York by announcing in front of three thousand spectators that Cézanne was a catastrophe of congenital awkwardness -- a painter of decrepit structures of the past. I was applauded, principally because nobody knew who Cézanne was."

"Salvador Dali, monarchist and anarchist, and consequently opposed to a consumer society, is naturally against automobiles, to which he prefers a triumphal chariot..."

He sounds as if he must have been a thoroughly sensible person, as I also prefer a triumphal chariot over an automobile. His moustache was also quite alarmingly charming.

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Saturday, March 24, 2007

bonus beauty ad blogging! for men!

scanned from the back of an old "girlie" magazine.

Is it just me, or does Charles Atlas look slightly pudgy here? He seems to be sporting some very attractive man-boobs.

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Madame Feels Perky To-day

After wearing an absolutely enormous hat to a lovely wedding on a cruise ship (the sparkles! the silvery, glittery lamé! the mirrors! the fierce buffet! yay!) I decided to take a well-deserved day off. The day off, quite sadly, consisted of the following: sleeping, doodling, munching bon bons, taking my highly pierced hairdresser to lunch, looking decorative at the beach and taking a bubble bath.

Not surprisingly, the Random_Speak marketing committee expressed a great deal of concern; as a result, my day off has been remixed, enhanced and digitally remastered into a much more profitable mashup that will better appeal to our target audience. You may adjust your browser settings for subtitles, "high def" resolution, and surround sound as needed.


L's Day Off: A Blog Post

It was 11 when I awoke to the sound of my chiseled and loinclothed cabana boy,
Richard Manly, discreetly carrying a silver tray loaded with heaps of berries, cream, chocolates, foie gras, tea, gourmet sausages, delicate finger sandwiches and teensy tiny bite sized salmon bits with those little caper things on top. As I languidly stirred from my down-covered hammock, I remembered where I was: the highly picturesque and mysterious seaside resort owned by a retired fellow operative, with whom I had dodged bullets and enemy agents many times in several classified locations.

But alas, I had no time to linger, so I instructed Manly to pack my picnic basket, my pink-sweatered chihuahua, an emergency book of scandalous anecdotes, a polka dot bikini and plenty of ammunition.

It was going to be a busy day.

As I manuevered my 1936 Auburn Speedster down the winding drive, I carefully avoided the hidden snipers and motion-sensitive booby (heh heh) traps in order to make my rendevouz with the dashing and handsome young cryptologist at the port de la Pointe-Croisette. As I arrived wearing my charming gingham sundress and matching hat, he gallantly offered me a glass of champagne and a dozen compliments, which (of course) is the polite thing to do. We had just managed to swap my briefcase of uncut diamonds for his portfolio of top secret nuclear plans when we were so rudely interrupted by automatic gunfire and the 75 foot yacht exploding nearby.

I would say more, but it's terribly, terribly classified. I will say, however, that the rest of the story involves heaving bosoms, high stakes gambling, underwater laser beams, hidden escape tunnels, martinis, trap doors, ardent proclamations, making out in the back seat of an autobus, secret encoded instructions, double crosses, evil henchmen with very bad manners, invisible ink, Swiss bank accounts, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, three hand grenades and an abandoned asylum.


argh! late for Dali Fest!

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

La la la la la!

For all those suffering this morning....

A real blog post later


Saturday, March 17, 2007

Have a Safe St. Patrick's Day!

It looks as if to-day is getting quite festive.

All sorts of people are scampering by my apartment, and they are all wearing green.


Sunday, March 11, 2007


Just returned from a two day frisbee tournament.

It should be noted that I played gamely despite the fact that people were snoring in my hotel room.

that is all.

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

we are feeling rather literary to-day...

I certainly hope that no one forgot their celebrations for National Poetry Month! We are feeling terribly Lazy, as well as Literary, so we are confining our celebratory antics to a few tasteful snippets of verse, which are both Useful and Edifying.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"Upon Jack and Jill: Epigram" by Robert Herrick
When Jill complains to Jack for want of meat,
Jack kisses Jill, and bids her freely eat.
Jill says, Of what? Says Jack, On that sweet kiss,
Which full of nectar and ambrosia is,
The food of poets. So I thought, says Jill;
That makes them look so lank, so ghost-like still.
Let poets feed on air or what they will;
Let me feed full till that I fart, says Jill

Two verses by "Anonymous", the most prolific of poets
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on her brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There was a young man from Montmartre
Who was famed far and wide for his fart.
When they said, "What a noise!"
He replied with great poise,
"When I fart, sir, I fart from the heart."


Friday, March 09, 2007

due to circumstances beyond our control, blogging will resume this week

Well, the flight home was uneventful and correctly followed the airline industry's default operating procedure:
1. have the flight crew go mysteriously missing in order to delay departure
2. ensure that a minimum of one (1) mechanical problem is detected in order to delay departure
3. place sobbing infants at regular intervals throughout the cabin for maximum crying coverage
4. Give every passenger a copy of Skymall!

Yes, we here at Random_Speak love Skymall merchandise, which you can purchase from the comfort of your very own cabin seat, complete with mysteriously stained cushions, non-existent leg room and annoying seatmate (both the snoring and insanely talkative models are provided free of charge). Can one find a half-naked sumo wrestler table in just any catalog? I think not! Note the exquisitely pudgy arms, the straining facial muscles, the lifelike pallor, and the tasteful buttocks (delicately pointed away from the viewer). It's only $225.00!

For those with an intellectual bent, these Lord of the Rings/ Gollum bookends are the perfect gift. Note the winsomely adorable expression of the figure on the right. You'll return to the bookshelf again and again!

And then we have the artistic outdoor home decor, tailor-made for those who wish their landscaping could actually wear facial expressions. I'm considering this product, as I'd like my lawn to express its inner angst. The occasional water restrictions can really be quite vexing.

Uh, these are sort of weirdly cool actually.... I like the ones with the yellow ducks.

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Women: Just What The Heck Are They Anyway?

This year's intense "saturation" coverage of International Women's Day, with the accompanying in-depth media analysis, political soul-searching and ticker tape parades around the globe, led many people to speculate: What do women really want? What do they think? How do they think? And, just what are women, really?

Leading scientists, to some extent, have been studying this pressing issue for years: they've studied women in their native habitat, compiled statistics, drawn complex diagrams with a lot of complicated numbers, classified, quantified, compared various shades of pink... and have generally remained perplexed about the whole thing.

"To a large degree, women appear to be somewhat similar to regular people," stated Dr. Gunther Arschloch, a leading expert on biology. "The typical female, who is between zero and ninety-nine years old, is often seen peforming the same functions as the typical male of the same age in most situations. However," he added, "what we see as typical 'female' characteristics frequently don't correlate to what is defined as normal, human behavior. And this conundrum has remained unsolved -- but perhaps for not much longer. "

"As part of our experiments on this subject," he continued, "we explored various suburban kitchens and shopping malls, which are the natural habitats of 'women'. We had women answer surveys on crying and bonding, we showed them photos of shoes, we asked them about their feelings and we studied their reactions. As the average person will come to realize, this has probably been the first truly thorough research done on this difficult subject. Up until recently, no one knew what, if anything, women thought about at all. However, as we continue to refine our investigations, we feel confident that we will unravel the mystery."

"Also, after we discover what 'women' really are," stated Dr. Arschloch, "we plan further research into other related subjects: 'black women', 'latina women', and 'asian women'. This may involve continued statistical analysis of hotness, as well computations on virgin/whore probability, but it may be too early to tell. At this point, we can only speculate and grade theoretically, much as we've always done."

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

people are fuzzy objects, but they are also very cold

I am having a lovely time at an international geek conference in Boston this week. There are many people with facial hair and their flies down, many many absentminded misplacements of cell phones and glasses, and earnestly nerdy discussions of 3NF, 4NF, 5NF, SOA, BI, DM, ISO, DMBOK, ER, XML, BPMN, MDM, SQL, DMI, ERP, DW, ETL, DDL, EA, ITIL, and a heck of lot of other acronyms that sound really quite clever.

Favorite quote so far: (shouted excitedly by an older gentleman during a technical discussion) "People are fuzzy objects!"


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Sunday, March 04, 2007

Finally! A CURE!

Day after day, many wonder: how can we rid ourselves of the "mouth breathers" around us?

Finally, we have found the cure!

Just wrestle that annoying person into a headlock and strap one of our patented Davis Chin Supporters on his or her face. In no time at all, the jaw will be completely immoblized, preventing any and all utterances of idiotic phrases, bigoted statements and moronic pronouncements.

The Davis Chin Supporter/Mouth Breathing Prevention Device is suitable for most politicians, as well as the blissfully intolerant.


Saturday, March 03, 2007

Leaving for BAHston

To-morrow morning I will be getting up at dark thirty to toddle on over to the airport. Quite sadly, I shall be lacking a suitable entourage for my trip to Boston, but I will soldier on nonetheless. If I haven't died of frostbite or a surfeit of lobster, I will post another part to my series on very odd art tomorrow night.

ha ha ha! This entry on PostSecret is hilarious


Thursday, March 01, 2007

The Latest News from Wall Street

Well, this has been quite the volatile week for investors as China's stock market crashed and the Dow posted its largest single day loss in over six years-- all after a steep drop in reporting on the death of Anna Nicole Smith.

However, to the relief of all concerned, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has informed the U.S. Congress that the financial markets appear to be functioning normally again. "After a brief period of uncertainty," he stated, "we seem to be back to our typical state of affairs, where investors and traders act like a bunch of crazed lemmings. Despite these drastic market losses, we hope to see additional speculation and irresponsible over-enthusiasm about the economy as people gamble wildly and scheme to get rich quickly." To clarify matters, he added: "of course, we could also see continued losses and eventual recession because the average American is living off credit cards and now owes approximately $2,987,6543.34 per person-- but we really have no idea."

Despite Bernanke's reassuring comments, the stock market threatened to take another dive today after Ted Baker of 3124 Oakhurst Avenue accidentally spilled hot coffee on his new tie. However, the late afternoon saw a strong rally as the weather forecast for a 75% chance of showers proved to be completely unfounded. As a result, a number of traders had to be restrained and sedated for their own protection.

Based on this week's events, strategists and analysts predict that investors should always be prepared for the fact that earnings, rapid growth, inflation, profits, the economy, losses, derivatives, hedge funds, bar graphs, equities, variable annuities, statistics, bananas, dividends, percentages, the S&P 500, unit investment trusts, roller skates, accrued income, time-weighted rates of return and pie charts continue to exist and are all somehow related to each other in a manner that involves lots and lots and lots of money.

"We're hopeful that once the markets settle down, the average investor will continue to invest in various investments," stated Edward Mankowski, a major financial expert associated with the Institute of Concerned-Looking Economists. "However, investor confidence remains shaky as the death of another well-endowed celebrity could possibly cause additional market losses that put us right over the edge at any moment. As our economy depends quite heavily on the existence of breasts, this will, of course, remain an area of concern."

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More Book scans

This is sort of a follow-up to my previous post of book scans...