Monday, November 28, 2005

Back From the Holiday!

I've returned from the Thanksgiving Holiday-- and I'm bigger and better than ever before!

Of course, I'm also back to our regularly scheduled programming of not blogging in a responsible or timely manner. But you just have to suck it up, because it's my blog! Bwah-ha ha ha ha!

I can post very good recipes and very bad jokes! I can go without blogging for an entire week! I can post obnoxious photos of furry little dogs in vaguely obscene poses! And no one can do a thing about it!

Today I am going to post about the simply Enormous Quantities of food I ate over the holiday. Why?
Because I'm never going to eat again.

Earlier in the week I had gone to see an odd little film noir classic (Rififi) with Bill at Studio 620. The film freaked us out completely with its horribly death-defying scene of a small child riding in a convertible without any seatbelt. We tried to console ourselves by drinking beer at a faux British pub called Limey's, but were then freaked out completely by bad musical medleys and the sight of many chamber pots hanging from the ceiling.

After that, all I could do was head over to the river house for a metric ton of turkey, cranberry sauce, turkey, stuffing, port, turkey, green beans, turkey, mashed garlic potatoes, apple pie, turkey, apple pie, turkey, sweet potatoes, apple pie, pumpkin pie, turkey, wine, turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey, and turkey. Oh, and there was some turkey and apple pie too.

The next day we ate bushels of raw oysters, stone crab, and roasted corn before making s'mores over the fire.

A teensy tiny bit of wine may have been drunk that evening. My older relatives may possibly have been a bit tipsy and giggly. The discussion may possibly have ranged from the oddity of clown fetishes and losing virginity to the micrscopic miniskirts my mother wore in the sixties, their favorite drunk stories and whether or not they were ever in jail.

The neighbors only had to come over once to see who was making all that noise.

Oh, and there was leftover turkey, turkey soup and turkey too!

Turkey turkey turkey turkey! The more I type it, the weirder it looks.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Preparing for the Holiday

I've been mucking around with paints and things again, so I've been neglecting the blog. Again. But I should get some interesting paintings and collages done this week. I'm also taking a brief break for the Thanksgiving holiday so I can bake many pies and eat more than humanly possible. We're breaking out the vintage port and cranberry sauce...

And we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming on Saturday.

Thank You

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Odd Art: Will the Saga Ever End?

Yes, it's time again for another post on Very Odd and/or Tasteless Art. I am far too lazy to do anything else even remotely useful to-day.

("The Remedy", by Antoine Watteau)

This is a follow-up of sorts to my previous post on Le Curieux, which, of course, is another moving example of the well-known and cherished enema genre.

Please note the gorgeous sheen of shockingly peach colored flesh tones, the marvelously textured background, and the somewhat blurry face of the waiting servant, a face which seems to speak of class alienation, a loss of identity, strange gender roles, and a philosophical mindset that seems to say: "ugh"

Many scholars consider this to be perhaps the finest example of this classic genre, a subject which has perplexed and fascinated the upper classes for generations. Countless articles and scholarly treatises have been written about the work, which is truly a masterpiece of its kind. And thanks to the modern technology of the Internet, such artistic genius can now be viewed from the comfort and safety of home.

True artists will appreciate and acknowledge the fine craftmanship, the painstaking lines, the perfect composition, facial expressions and social commentary.

Everyone else is, Quite Sadly, a Philistine.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Feeling slightly ill.... retiring to bed with a good book trashy novel.


An acquaintance (and fellow Freaks film fan) just sent me the following advertisement, in case anyone is interested:


The association “Les Freaks”, created in Paris (France) last year and aiming at promoting young artists of any talent who might feel estranged by nowadays conventional way of grasping art, is currently organizing a party / Sideshow which would occur in Paris by the end of January. We are seeking performers. Being an association, we won’t make any money from the show, and we insist on the fact that our goal is only to make a 30s-sideshow-like background available for you to exhibit your works (check the series “Carnivale”). You may wonder why we are doing all of this for free: the reason is Paris is not as lively and in the vanguard as before and we want to CHANGE it simply because we’re SICK of having to be content with the same old stuff!
Apart from that, we are looking for the following persons:

Fat persons, tattooed persons, snake handlers, blockheads, pincushions, fire breathers, hairy girls, super thin, armless-legless, dwarfs, midgets, 6'5" tall, escape artists, jugglers, glass eaters-dancers, knife throwers, sword-swallowers, Animal acts, conjoined twins, albinos, pygmies, head hunters, eskimos, savages, burlesque-exotic-coochie dancers, story-tellers, roustabouts, security, dog-faced, voodoo witchdoctors, zombies and the undead, somnabulists, spirit mediums, alligator-skinned, geishas, aerialists, etc. etc. etc.

Also persons with strange oddities to exhibit.

And finally, for those who live far far away from Paris and France, we want to let you know that if you’re interested in what we’ve stated below, for sure! you’re welcome! We will make a shelter available for you to spend some holidays in Paris (a cool studio near Montmartre and the Sacré-Coeur! Aren’t we nice?!!)

Please leave us an email on the following profile:
M. FrankyFreak ( )

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Bad Art, Good Art, and a Little Texas Hold 'Em

Yes, it was another exciting weekend in the life of L, that terribly glamorous young girl-about-town!

A slightly sloshed evening of poker was in the cards on Saturday, as my artistic friend Brandt celebrated his birthday with yummy tidbits and very small dogs. We played according to the usual rules, and I actually won a hand this time!

Of course I also folded quite frequently, as you can tell from the simply enormous forehead crease above.

Hopefully he will enjoy his gifts from me: two lovely cult classic flicks: Black Tight Killers (featuring '60s Japanese gangsters and female assassins brandishing razor-sharp records!) and Vampyres (a lushly atmospheric lesbian vampire classic)

On Friday, I went to an Absolutely Horrible art show called Gala Corina, which made me want to cry. One or two artists seemed to be going somewhere interesting, but the rest seemed to be obsessed with smiling flamingos, clowns, not-so-good portraits, deadly dull photography and perplexing landscapes and things. Someone has finally discovered the artistic equivalent to being nibbled to death by mice, I'm afraid.

However, it may possibly be the:

because I've never felt so astoundingly sober in my entire life.

However, the weekend was not lost because I also went to a fun little show at an alternative space, Kama Gallery in Ybor City. Kym O'Donnell (associated with Experimental Skeleton and Flight 19) had a very interesting and teensy tiny little show called "I'll Never Learn", which featured black-and-white photography of an imaginary 1960s mod pop singer named Candy Shire-- using a faux documentary style series of images that also feature the "oddest orchestra".

However, the orchestra was really Tampa's Handshake Squad, who apparently hate pop music, but revel in slightly odd lyrics and a mixture of musical styles.

That's all for now. I need to eat some cheese.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Aiding and Abetting Punsters

According to my calendar, I have sadly missed yet another important holiday: National Aid and Abet Punsters Day (November 8th). I am feeling slightly Evil and Lazy, so I will post some random and celebratory phrases from other people.

A duck goes into a shop and asks, "Can I have some lip salve please?"
The shop assistant asks, "Will you be paying cash?"
The duck replies, "No thank you, just put it on my bill."

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.

How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

In other useless news, I just finished watching a gloriously insane supernatural- kung fu- swordfighting epic filled with demons, Taoist priests and perplexed-looking maidens (Picture of a Nymph). I just thought I'd share some of the movie's best lines, which I am still trying to figure out how to use in daily conversations:

"What a triumph for chastity!" (this could be used when speaking to an annoying programmer)

"I'm gratified, even if I fail to reincarnate." (when thanking someone for a useless gift)

"Can't you see I have mustache? Between the sexes?" (to rebuff an annoyingly persistent suitor)

"Keep your mind on the paper crane." (what to say when asked for advice)

"To put wine feelings into it?" (to be used when ordering a drink at the bar)

"Anyone wanting to be a hero is observation" (to use when one wishes to appear wise)

"How naughty you are!" (to be used only with a significant other)

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

And a Very Good Time Was Had by All!

Yes, yes, yes, I know. I've been a terribly bad blogger this week. This has been due to an amazing array of fabulous and exciting activities that I just couldn't miss.

This week, we have had art coming out the wazoo!

On Friday, many lovely people trotted on over to USFCAM's Beautiful Losers show, which featured many interesting contemporary artists, 'zine illustrations, as well as skateboarding and street culture art. My absolute favorites were Clare Rojas (who had a twisted combination of people, animals and traditional quilt patterns on wood) and Ryan McGinness (who uses a gorgeous combination of traditional and self-designed inconography to produce swirling and organic designs). I really enjoyed the show, and the salmon mousse they served was also quite good. Later we toddled on over to John Russell's show at the alternative Kama gallery in Ybor.

Quote of the evening: "My God! I've only been here a few days, and I don't see this much art in New York City! There've been at least two shows every night! Will someone please make it stop?"

Saturday was the night for the much-awaited "A Sweet Kiss Goodnight" show at Covivant gallery. The show featured a group exhibition by artist collective Circus Posterus. The artists who participated were Brandt Peters, Kathie Olivas, Rob Schwager, Carrie Mackin and George Helmick. The show was twisted, fun and fabulous, so I recommend that people check it out. Only you're not allowed to purchase Brandt's "Here We Come Again" painting because I'm buying it first.

Bask and Tes One also had a show at the Redletter gallery that night, but we missed it because we accidentally started having red wine and brie and berries with Carlos and Britzel, who immediately started an excited conversation about Puerto Rico and naughty art. Oh well.

The next thing I knew, I had accidentally planned a tiny dinner party. I served some classic French cuisine for Carlos, Britzel, Vince (the new man), the Frog Princess and her boyfriend. Conversation ranged from photography, painting and galleries to shoes, how large Catholic families are and isn't this wine delicious? I served a roasted leg of lamb with garlic and lovely gravy, a fashionable salad, French bread, wine and a terribly delicious (yet simple!) dessert called plum clafoutis.

The recipes have been requested, and they are below:

L's Lovely Lamb

a leg of lamb large enough for 5 people
olive oil
1 - 2 very large garlic bulbs with all the cloves peeled and separated
1 tin of anchovy fillets, well drained (this sounds gross, but you can't actually taste 'em)
black pepper
1 large onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
2 celery stalks, chopped
1/2 cup red wine (not cooking wine-- use the good stuff you drink!)
1 cup chicken stock
some chopped parsley bits, if you have the time

1. use a food processor to blend 5 - 7 large garlic cloves, the anchovy fillets, 1 tablespoon olive oil and black pepper until it is a smooth paste
2. place the leg of lamb in a large, shallow baking pan
3. rub the paste all over the top and sides of the leg of lamb, then let it sit at least 30 minutes in the refrigerator (preferably overnight)
4. place the onion, celery, carrot, wine and remaining garlic in a frying pan and cook for about 5 minutes (don't forget to stir)
5. pour wine mixture into baking dish around the lamb (not ON it)
6. bake at 350 degrees F until it reaches an internal temperature of 155 degrees F (approximately 20 minutes per pound)
7. check periodically and slosh more red wine on the vegetables whenever they look like they're about to dry out (this is important)
8. when lamb is finished, transfer it to a serving platter and set it aside to keep warm (put aluminum foil lightly on top)
9. pour ALL of the meat juice/wine/vegetable mixture into a blender and process until it is smooth
10. place the blender mixture into a small saucepan, add chicken stock, and simmer for about 5 or so minutes until it is reduced (please don't forget to stir). stir in parsley and black pepper.
11. carve lamb and serve with the sauce! It's terribly delicious

Yummy Plum Clafoutis

1 pound of dark sweet plums (fresh, not canned!)
1 cup of self-raising flour
3 eggs
1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup milk

1. cut the plums in half and remove pits
2. arrange plums, cut side down, in a lightly greased 10" flan dish or something similar
3. mix flour, eggs, sugar and milk in a bowl
4. pour batter over plums (it's perfectly fine if they aren't completely covered) and bake at 350 F for 45 minutes. It should be golden brown, and you should see the plums peeking through
5. you can serve this hot or warm as a light dessert, but you can also have it cold for breakfast! It's quite tasty.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Only 58 Shopping Days Left Until Christmas!

Today, leading economists reported that the American Consumer leads the world in spending like a crazed loon strengthening the economy.

"When inflation goes up, the American Consumer buys ultra deluxe and enormously plasmatic high-definition televisions. When unemployment reaches an all-time high, the American Consumer buys the latest sports utility vehicles with luxury spinning rims and shiny chrome", stated Dr. William Roth of the Institute of Concerned-Looking Economists. "Quite frankly, we're amazed!"

According to his recent report, the American Consumer will just keep spending and spending, with no end in sight. "We're already four months into the Christmas shopping season, so it's remarkable how we can just keep buying ceramic mermaid salt and pepper shakers, ipods, motorcycles, Jessica Simpson cds, collectible spoons, golf clubs, Louis Vuitton handbags and the Harry Potter books," he said. "In fact, the data suggests that consumer confidence and spending will only continue to grow exponentially as we get even closer to the holidays!"

A predicted reluctance to buy big-ticket items, fears of job loss, gasoline prices, inflation and the lack of further reductions in interest rates did not dampen consumer confidence at all, according to the report. "The Federal Reserve previously lowered interest rates and the American Consumer saw this as a good time to make purchases --even though consumer debt is at an all-time high," stated Roth. "In fact, the American Consumer owes more than could ever possibly be repaid in one lifetime! But this can only strengthen the economy!" he added.

The income of the American Consumer decreased by 3.1 per cent in October, boosted mainly by high medical insurance payments. "This plunge in growth and income, as well as the lack of savings, had absolutely no effect on spending habits" added Deborah James, chief economist at "There's absolutely no stopping it!" she said. "There will continue to be more and more spending, as well as a huge increase in credit card debt and a decrease in savings. Isn't this the best country in the whole world?!"

Economists expect that nothing will stop consumer spending this year, even as the federal deficit continues to grow exponentially. "We expect that the deficit will soon become self-aware and begin crushing everyone in its path," Roth said, "but that should only add to fourth quarter profits in the technology sector! Consumer confidence in laser guns and invisible stealth tanks is at an all-time high!"

In other news, the Labor Department also reported that the number of unemployed fell slightly after Hurricanes Katrina and Wilma, proving that the labor market is in a really terrific mood.

When reached for comment, Federal Reserve Board chairman, Alan Greenspan, stated "Nothing can stop the economy!!! Buy shoes and television sets! Buy hats! Buy a pony!"

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I've Been a Bit Busy....

Well, I've been a bit busy these days between doodling some new artwork, eating berries and associating with a handsome young gentleman with good looking hair. After all, woman does not live by bread blog alone.

I suppose it's become quite apparent that I never listened to my mother when she said "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"

*diabetics should stop reading now*

Of course, he does do a lot more than just keeping his hair looking handsome!
1. He is terrifically interesting to ogle
2. He is terribly polite
3. He does not loudly announce all his farts
4. He bicycles, except when his bicycle is broken
5. He will eat spicy Indian food
6. He admires art
7. He kills cockroaches
8. He wears sensible shoes
9. He has been known to recycle
10. He is a rather good photographer and takes me on interesting photographic outings where we accidentally look at old houses, NASCAR murals, homeless campouts, large barbeques, wrecked cars, warehouses and odd people.

(I think I'll tell him about his "honey-do" list later)

And now I'm going to sulk extensively and watch a trashy movie, because I've had a terrible day!