Social Security: Does It Have A Future?
I'm getting a bit tired of hearing how Dubya has made overhauling Social Security an integral issue for his second term. Does anyone truly care?
Background
As we all know, the current system of Social Security was founded by Carlo “Charles” Ponzi, who was born in Parma, Italy in 1882. He later emigrated to America and invented a new business technique called the "Ponzi" or "Pyramid" scheme, in which he used the money from later investors to pay off his earlier ones. This process was later refined and gradually evolved into the modern Social Security system, which is generally used to help finance Winnebagos and condos in Florida.
Current Status
As it is predicted to supposedly go bankrupt sometime tomorrow, the Social Security system has been designated as a program of concern by the current administration. This means that the various media outlets have been foaming at the mouth with excitement, postulating disaster, speculating on a possible investment in pork futures, and generally predicting Very Dire Things.
Public Response
A new Wall Street Journal/CNN/Gallup poll was taken at my address, and it was found that a mere .02% of the *respondent approves of the government's handling of this issue. The poll, conducted May 5th, found that 99 percent of the respondent believes that the program will be flushed down the toilet.
.04 percent of the respondent said she approves of Bush's handling of Social Security, while 99.06 percent of the respondent said that she disapproves.
The poll was based on an interview with 1 adult and had a margin of error of +/- three percentage points.
Forty-eight percent of the respondent said that changes would be needed in the next year or so and twenty-one percent of the respondent said those changes would be needed within five years. Thirty-one percent didn't give a @#%!, and requested that the pollsters go @#%! themselves.
But twenty-three percent said everyone would be better off if Congress was hit by a bus this year, while twenty-seven percent said it would really be okay if the bus hit the Republican Party only. Fifty percent of the respondent could not be reached for comment, as she was napping.
Almost two-thirds of the respondent, seventy-one percent, said it would not be possible to be more Evil than Pat Robertson. Thirty-five percent said it would be possible, but only with a serious psychological disorder.
The respondent was almost equally divided on Bush's job performance, with forty-eight percent saying she Disapproved of the way he was handling the job of president and forty-nine percent saying she Strongly Disapproved.
On other issues:
Eighty-nine percent of the respondent said she disapproved of Bush's handling of foreign affairs and forty-nine percent said she was going to the grocery store.
One percent said she approved of his misuse of the English language, compared to ninety-nine percent who says she disapproves.
Just over a third of the respondent, thirty-five percent, thought that Vice President Cheney is an actual human being, while fifty-two percent believes that he is a humanoid robot from outer space.
* the respondent is here identified only as "L"
Background
As we all know, the current system of Social Security was founded by Carlo “Charles” Ponzi, who was born in Parma, Italy in 1882. He later emigrated to America and invented a new business technique called the "Ponzi" or "Pyramid" scheme, in which he used the money from later investors to pay off his earlier ones. This process was later refined and gradually evolved into the modern Social Security system, which is generally used to help finance Winnebagos and condos in Florida.
Current Status
As it is predicted to supposedly go bankrupt sometime tomorrow, the Social Security system has been designated as a program of concern by the current administration. This means that the various media outlets have been foaming at the mouth with excitement, postulating disaster, speculating on a possible investment in pork futures, and generally predicting Very Dire Things.
Public Response
A new Wall Street Journal/CNN/Gallup poll was taken at my address, and it was found that a mere .02% of the *respondent approves of the government's handling of this issue. The poll, conducted May 5th, found that 99 percent of the respondent believes that the program will be flushed down the toilet.
.04 percent of the respondent said she approves of Bush's handling of Social Security, while 99.06 percent of the respondent said that she disapproves.
The poll was based on an interview with 1 adult and had a margin of error of +/- three percentage points.
Forty-eight percent of the respondent said that changes would be needed in the next year or so and twenty-one percent of the respondent said those changes would be needed within five years. Thirty-one percent didn't give a @#%!, and requested that the pollsters go @#%! themselves.
But twenty-three percent said everyone would be better off if Congress was hit by a bus this year, while twenty-seven percent said it would really be okay if the bus hit the Republican Party only. Fifty percent of the respondent could not be reached for comment, as she was napping.
Almost two-thirds of the respondent, seventy-one percent, said it would not be possible to be more Evil than Pat Robertson. Thirty-five percent said it would be possible, but only with a serious psychological disorder.
The respondent was almost equally divided on Bush's job performance, with forty-eight percent saying she Disapproved of the way he was handling the job of president and forty-nine percent saying she Strongly Disapproved.
On other issues:
Eighty-nine percent of the respondent said she disapproved of Bush's handling of foreign affairs and forty-nine percent said she was going to the grocery store.
One percent said she approved of his misuse of the English language, compared to ninety-nine percent who says she disapproves.
Just over a third of the respondent, thirty-five percent, thought that Vice President Cheney is an actual human being, while fifty-two percent believes that he is a humanoid robot from outer space.
* the respondent is here identified only as "L"
posted by L at 10:12 PM
12 Comments:
Hi Karbon Kounty Moos sent me! Enjoyed your post. Toni
thanks Toni!
Who am I to argue with statistics? The numbers don't lie! Cheney may be humanoid in appearance but whether he's an android or not, he's certainly full of inhuman parts like baboon hearts and a cybernetic smile.
I think this poll is highly credible. I wonder which half of the sample was napping...
I'd say that's about as accurate of an opinion poll as I've ever seen! ROFL!
Wow! That is one terrific poll! Does the respondent get paid for this? If so, how can we be sure of the poll's accuracy? Has anyone checked into the respondent's ties to foreign governments or possibly terrorists? Exit polls do not agrree with this outcome...something must be amiss!
P. S. Quick! Somebody call Jesse Jackson or Pat Robertson!
no fuzzy numbers here. next time i'm voting for you.
I just want you all to know that this poll and the accompanying statistics are HIGHLY accurate, according to this household.
Social security crisis?
Crisis schmisis more like.
There's a bunch of statistics which claim that those of us in our 20s and 30s will have no social security net when we reach retirement age. That the system will be bankrupt.
Lies! Humbug! Obfuscation!
You see... we're the fast-food generation. We're going to be carking it en masse long before we reach retirement age. We'll be dropping like flies from heart-attacks in our mid-50s and proving all those demographers wrong.
People are only living so long these days because of a combination of medical technology and having a basically healthy pre-consumerism diet when you were a child. Take one of them away, and the other is of limited use.
So really, there's nothing to worry about when it comes to social security. Chances are you'll be dead before it becomes an issue. Reassuring, isn't it?
Love this post! Absolutely fun and entertaining. Look forward to catching up on all of the ones I missed over the last four days.
Jim, I always love your take on things political :)
thanks Mark!
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